1 Year Ago

I think this is the 27th post I've started since I last wrote about our adventures. Life has a funny way of getting in the way. This is an especially hard time of year for our little family. It's only been a year since we went through so much. It seems as if it's already been a lifetime. It breaks my heart to know I have far more years to yet endure. 

We celebrated their birthday with a pic nic by their grave 

There they go! Happy birthday sweet angels!

My heart has been raw and broken from the events that unfolded one year ago. It is always so hard to reach an anniversary of losing a child. One year ago...I lost 4. One year ago, we drove home from a very hard long week in the hospital. One year ago, my heart was shattered into more pieces than I ever thought possible. As we drove home in an empty van, I tried to look forward with a brave face but could only think of all our loved ones and friends that I let down. I was so excited to share my 4 rainbow babies with the incredibly loving people in my life, only to come home with empty arms.

Our Ellie girl. She loved to put her fingers in her mouth. Or sweet tiny baby already had such a fun personality. I can't wait to have the opportunity to raise and get to know this sweet girl of mine!

Baby B, our lovely Savannah. She was the smallest of them all. This fiesty little girl didn't want to give up. We were blessed to help take care of her with the nurses on the last day she lived. 

Baby A, kylie. She was the first one to come and the first one to be called home. I will always remember the night I got to hold her and watch her numbers go up. We saw miracles that night, but heavenly father needed her home more than we needed her here. 

Oh Lexi girl! She fought until the very end too. I think she would have been a huge strength to her sisters. She is our baby D. Last one out and last one to say goodbye. Our beautiful Lexi wanted to stay with us as long as she could. I cannot wait to hold and love on her again. 

As we drove down our street my eyes were again clouded by tears as I saw pink ribbons lining our street. As we pulled into our driveway and opened the garage door, hundreds of hearts were plastered all over the walls and hanging from the rafters above. In those moments the pain didn't go away but I felt so much love from our neighbors and friends. I hope they know the strength they gave me to keep going. To not give up.

I still feel as if we let all these people down. I hope one day they will be able to celebrate with us as we bring a baby home some day. 

So many hearts. So many messages of hope. 

Those messages are still there. 

Thank you for your love!

This week has been super hard for me. While I didn't want to remember the events, I also was so afraid they'd be forgotten. My 4 sweet angels made a big impact on so many people, yet soon after they passed away, my world completely stopped while the rest of the world kept going.
In all of our hard times, we have been blessed so much! I guess the lord has more in store for us. Jason was offered a promotion with his job, but it no longer allows us to stay here in Utah. We will be moving to California in a short while and with how fast the days and weeks are going, our time here will end quickly. There is so much of us here, this will probably be the most difficult move we've ever made. In 8 years of being married, this will be our 10th move. We've met so many wonderful people with each move, but with all we've been through here.. I feel as though we're leaving family. 

Our Family Happenings

May is already over. I can’t believe it. I have only written a few posts that never got published due to me never finishing them. Sometimes it is hard to write your thoughts and explain them in a tangible form. June is another hard month stretching ahead. To fill you in on our May happenings, here is a recap of all the adventures we had.

Jason

Oh Jason, how I love him! He is awesome, although sometimes can get a little too determined to get things done. He amazes me with how focused he can stay. He has been training for his next spartan race that happens in July. I think everyone on his team is just as amazed at I am with how dedicated he is in his training. If only I could be more like that, I would get a lot more done every day.

Jason has started repainting our walls in our house (I hate painting). He also got the ball rolling on getting new carpet and guess what?! We have beautiful new carpet! Our house may stink a little because we’ve only had it a couple of weeks, but the soft wonderful goodness on your feet just can’t be beat! We’ve done so much to our house since we moved in. It has been fun, stressful, and lots of work but totally worth it. We love our home.

Carter

My little cutie met a new friend

My sweet little boy has grown and learned so much. He sadly attended the last couple of weeks of preschool and proudly declared every day, “Mommy, I’m going to be in Kindergarten!” As we watched his preschool graduation program, I could not help but feel sad that this stage with my little sidekick was over. Why does growing up have to be so painful? Even when I enjoy each moment, I still want more. More time with my baby.

Last day as a preschooler

My adorable graduate

A couple cute fellow graduates

Carter with his teacher

Just before graduating preschool Carter did another grown up thing. He learned how to ride his bike with out training wheels and has been obsessed ever since. Sadly, we don’t have a story about running next to him, pushing him off, letting go and having him try things on his own only to fall and try again. Carter just got on a bike while I was picking him up at preschool and there he went. He just hopped on a bike with out training wheels and took off. My little boy suddenly became older, more independent at the very moment. He hardly lets a moment pass to make sure he lets me know that I remember he can ride a bike with out training wheels. 

Ahhhhhh!!!

Clarissa

Well, I haven’t been up to too much except being sad over my little buddy growing up and getting bigger. I was training for a half marathon, and that didn't take up as much of my time as it should have. I thought for sure I was going to walk at least half of it. Well, I finished in half the time I thought I would and my little buddy ran across the finish line with me! It was awesome!!!

I did it! Yay!

Preschool pick up... we had a surprise visitor 

  

I have still been teaching sweet little Chinese children and I love it more and more every day! I have about 15 regular students now and have new ones almost every day. It makes me so happy to see their faces light up and get excited when they see me in class. I never thought I could love teaching even more than I do… but it’s possible and I love teaching. Doesn’t getting up at 3 am every morning say that? Ha it’s so worth it!

My cute assistant 😍

Adoption

Oh, how interesting life is. It never goes the way as planned and can be both painful and blissful along the way. Our adoption story hasn’t been very eventful. I had hoped that maybe everyone we talked to was wrong and somehow, we would be blessed with a child right away. After having an awful experience with a made-up story about children that we long to have, I have lost a little bit of hope. We will be giving it a few more months and then joining an agency which will guarantee us a baby with in a year’s time. Let’s just hope little Carter gets a brother that he has been longing for.

He's my monkey <3

Well, here is to a great summer with many adventures! Happy reading!

We went to a balloon releasing for our girls