The Miracle of Healing

It is so amazing what we can go through in this life, and be able to completely heal from it. Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It has been 2 1/2 weeks since brain surgery, and although I am still quite sore and occasionally have my giant headache return, it is wonderful to be able to do the things I was able to do before. It is especially wonderful to be a mother to Carter again!

We returned home Sunday night, and each one of us seemed to have healed a little more from the whirl wind of events that disrupted our family life. It was wonderful to just be our little family again, and as soon as we walked in the door, Jason and I loved sitting together watching our sweet little boy explode with happiness. His eyes were wide as he saw the pictures on the wall and laughed as he remembered each one. He ran to his toy box hysterical to hold each one of his toys. Even the lights on the ceiling were so exciting to him. It brought tears to my eyes when he ran into his room laughing, smiling, and pointing at his crib. It seemed as if we just gave the world to our little man.

Although I was nervous to have Carter all to myself again, Monday was the best day I had had in a while. Carter was so happy and enthralled with everything he saw in the house. I just sat happy and content as I watched Carter not only destroy the house, but find the greatest happiness in doing so. We both loved being partners in crime again. Two peas in a pod spending each day together again. I soaked up every happy moment trying to push back the thoughts that soon we’d be away from home again and it would be for even longer.

As I thought about us leaving our home again, and this time for 5 weeks instead of 2, I remembered a conversation I had with my mom. After getting out of the hospital and hearing about all of Carter’s adventures while I was away, my mom reminded me that Carter would not remember any of it. That made me sad, but also brought me much comfort. She is totally right. There is so much he won’t remember from this experience and for some odd reason that gave me comfort. It’s sad that he won’t remember the time I had energy and would wake him up in the mornings just to play until we both dropped from exhaustion. He won’t remember the fun days we had swimming together, and cuddling after a day full of doing new things. He won’t remember the days I’d get him up and not have enough energy to play with him. He won’t remember how frustrated he would get because mom wouldn't get up to play and would lay on the couch all morning. He won’t remember how his mom was not there for him for 4 days and how scary it was to see her again. He won’t remember when we both cried because I didn't have the energy or strength to pick him up and hold him. He won’t remember the happy or the sad things.

A year ago we moved to Spring Creek Nevada, and although Carter won’t remember the things that have happened in his first year of life… I will. I will remember and that helps me to heal. I will remember the hard days and make the good days even better. Even though I will completely heal from this experience, I will have the memories to make the good things even better! What a wonderful blessing that is, especially to remember that even though times were hard God always remembered us! Even now we have so many blessings to be thankful for.

Last weekend we headed back to Utah for some more appointments to get everything set to start radiation. Carter had the time of his life playing with my cousins while I endured a 3 hour long MRI, a CT scan, and the making of a mask and tattoos for the radiation treatments. I will being my radiation treatments on the 30^th. It will be 5 straight weeks everyday Monday through Friday, until at last these tumors of mine will be gone and life may turn back to normal a little bit. I have already learned so much through this experience. Although it will be scary, and some not so nice things (like losing my hair) will come to pass, I am so thankful for this experience and the love that I have felt from so many people and my Heavenly Father. Please know that He is listening and answering your prayers! We have so many things to be thankful for!

Right after surgery... don't I look beautiful?!

My silly little boy, happy to be home :)

Carter having fun with my cousins :)

Me today... can you tell I had surgery?

More silly pictures with Carter... and a photo bomber!

You Should Have Seen the Other Guy

A week ago, I walked into the hospital knowing that my life had changed forever and I would be starting a long journey back to feeling normal again (whatever that means). Considering the circumstances, I felt so calm. I knew deep down that God was in everything that was happening to me, even leading up to the moment when my life would be entirely in the hands of my doctors. Even when I had to let go of Jason's hand, squeezing so tightly to know he was still with me, I felt completely calm. I had felt of all the prayers said in my behalf and felt angels round about me. What an incredible thing to know that everything would be completely fine. Now I say completely fine ,but not completely easy.

Waking up from having surgery is such an interesting sensastion. The last thing I remember is thinking how cold the operating room was, and that this was it. The beginning to my whirlwind of being diagnosed with tumors in my brain. Suddenly I was in a different room violently throwing up and saying hi to Jason and my parents. I felt so embarrassed until I felt the stab of my giant headache and remembered what I had just been through. Everyone's response was all but loving as they explained to me I had just been in a bar fight, and should have seen the other guy. I wished I could have seen him to help me feel a little better.

I was  told the surgery went very well and that they got a nice chunk of the tumor for a biopsy. Lucky for me, they wouldn't have to go in a second time. I must say, I wouldn't wish for brain surgery on my most favorite enemy. I was in the ICU for 2 days, constantly being pumped with drugs, IV fluids, taken to get CT scans, and monitored very closely. Rest wasn't something I really had not had until they moved me to the Nero floor. I didn't even feel human after that, as they poked and used me as a human pin cushion. Finally when I knew I was probably much worse than the other guy, they said I could go home! What a wonderful gift too, as it was our 4 year anniversary and my sweetheart would not have to endure as much pain with me.

The most amazing person I could have EVER decided to spend my forever with!

I have been doing so well since being out of the hospital! It has been such a joy to see my sweet little Carter again and love on him. He hardly knew I was gone, because he has had so much fun with grandma! Having a mother is such a wonderful blessing. They know just how to take care of you even when you're grown.

I have been so touched by all of the wonderful friends and family that have reached out to us so much. I have been brought to tears to see the selflessness that has been shown to us. We want you to know that everything has been so appreciated. I know God is in all things, even when they seem so devastating. It helps us learn that God is good and that he never leaves our side. If he for some reason seems to get distracted, he sends his angels in his place.

As I said earlier, this has been hard, but it's only the beginning. We will be heading home in a few days to give us sometime before we head back to the Salt Lake valley for more support and help that we've received from wonderful doctors. We will be returning for radiation treatments to fight the tumors and continue to grow spiritually strong.  I know that we are not the only ones going through hard times, and I want to repeat words from a friend that brought me great strength in the hospital. God is good, and God is in it. Everything happens to help us reach our greatest potential. Happy reading!

Carter has LOVED being outside with grandma!

Bad picture, but he always has a smile on his face with grandma

This was taken before surgery, but being able to be around my sweet little niece has been reviving.