Life in the Carolinas

Today my little Shanna girl would be 8 months old. It's never the month anniversary of her death that makes my heart hurt, but the month anniversary of her birth. It makes me think about what could have been, and sometimes that is more haunting.

For some reason I thought moving out to north Carolina might make things a little easier. That maybe being around people who didn't know what happened in our family would help us not remember as much. Now I always think in my mind, if only they knew... If only they knew our sweet baby girl. If only they knew what she went through and why the 17th of every month is so hard for me. If only they knew.

My sister visited her grave and decorated for Christmas. 

His faces always make me giggle

I thought the 8 month old babies would make me cry now. I was wrong. It's still the new tiny ones that make me think of Shanna. I have seen pictures of so many friends with their sweet baby girls, and sometimes it stings. Sometimes I think, why couldn't that be us? Why can't our family have our Shanna? Why couldn't she have been healthy? Why did she have to leave us so soon? Why was I never able to hear her laugh, see her roll over for the first time and sit up? Why was I never able to dress her like a healthy baby and always have to look out for wires and cords? But then again, why was I chosen to be a mother to a dear sweet baby girl who was too pure to live in this world? Who was needed in heaven much sooner than I wanted? This whole experience has taught me about a God in heaven who has given me all that I have, because he loves me dearly. He loves me so much that he blessed me with a baby girl who was far more special than I could ever dream of. He blessed me with being able to meet my angel before she was called to where she needs to be. He blessed me with a husband I could not dream of being without. With a little boy who takes the pain away and makes me smile everyday. With a beautiful family that will be mine forever, and all because this loving God gave me His son. When I think of all that I don't have, I realize my blessings are far greater. I realize what a wonderful life I have. What a loving father in heaven I have, who knows exactly what I need.

Sorry to always start on the sadder side of things, but I promise to make you smile by the end. North Carolina has been great! I am so glad we get to be here, but then return to our family and friends we miss so much. We've only been in North Carolina for 2 weeks and I already feel as if I have an accent. Here are our north Carolina adventures.

Jason

Working as hard as ever! He is really not liking the long commute, and we hate that he gets home at 6 pm every night, but he has a job and we are grateful! Carter is always so happy when daddy comes home to play, dads are so much more fun to play with! I love it when Jason comes home too!

At the science center today

At the science center with the sting rays

Carter

Carter misses his friends dearly, and is adjusting to being in an apartment. I think he loves the fact that we leave to go do something everyday. We've been to tons of different story times (there's 8 libraries in our city), hit up the Greensboro children's museum, went to a trampoline park and jumped for hours, experienced the Greensboro Science Center (zoo,aquarium, and children's museum in one), and have met so many new friends. To say the least, I think he's enjoyed himself here.

Our favorite day at the trampoline park

My cute little monkey

Carter being a doctor at the Children's Museum

Playing at the Super Market

I think I've managed to wear him out just about every day

First time at the trampoline park

driving the train

Didn't you know stickers on your face was a new thing?

Clarissa

I was expecting it to be a little warmer than it has been, but I haven't let that stop us. I am always so excited to get in our car and go see the next thing. I have already met so many people, and I love that no matter where I have gone, someone always stops to say hello to us. We have been doing the 12 days of Christmas to a family in our complex, and I've loved being able to be creative and think about what we;re going to do next. Now that we are not doing joy school any more, it has been fun to continue teaching Carter and helping him continue to learn.

How can this face not melt your heart <3

I must say that the most interesting experience we have had with living here, is that we have house keeping come every two weeks. So... We left the apartment on a grand adventure, hoping it would take us all day. I felt very weird leaving our house a disaster, and then thinking... that's ok, house keeping in coming today... and off we went. We had so much fun at the trampoline park. We met new friends, made future plans to meet again, danced like crazy, and played a mean game of dodge ball. It was mostly just Carter and I chasing after each other, but we loved it. Afterwards we ate lunch at a park (in our car because it was way too windy), did some shopping, explored the area where we live, and I thought for sure the house keeping people had to be done. 2 hours later, we were still locked out and watching Christmas movies in our car. It was lovely... but I think I would have liked it if I didn't look like a creeper in my car lol. 

Well to all of you, I hope you are having adventures of your own! You have to be with all that wonderful cold weather and lots of snow right? We love and miss all of you! Happy reading!

We got a real tree!!!

A wreath I finally was able to finish

Part of the 12 days... I wish I took a picture of every night

Another 12 days creation. There's a real candle behind the paper one...

Thanksgiving and New Beginnings

I love the Christmas season! It is by far the best ever (although sometimes I can do without the snow). Love and kindness seems to be remembered and radiates through those who strive to remember the true meaning of the season. I am also a firm believer in celebrating Thanksgiving (before listening to Christmas music), and recognizing Gods hand in all the blessings we enjoy. Thanksgiving is one of my favorites as well, although I am not always sure why. Most of the time we just sit around stuffing our faces. The thing I love most though, is that we are sitting around, doing nothing, but enjoying each other.

Most years our little family attends Thanksgiving celebrations at my grandma’s house. I love going to her house, because it holds so many memories and feelings of love there. It’s almost considered a family reunion with everyone we have! There is just something about spending time with your parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, amazing grandparents, and sharing it all with your child. This year was a little difficult knowing that it would have been Shanna’s first Thanksgiving, but I still felt so blessed to have the rest of my family with me.

Well, our days were filled of lots of visiting, watching football, taking naps, movies, eating, and of course lots of time to enjoy what we have been blessed with. Carter absolutely LOVED being there. Any thought of us having to go soon crushed him. He loved playing with his cousin Deklan, and whenever they were apart they constantly asked about each other. It made me think about all of Carter’s friends that he loves and would miss terribly while on our adventure in North Carolina.

One of Carter's favorite cousins. 

We're already missing our Spanish Fork friends

As Carter would tell you, "My best friend Kate!"

I still don’t think Carter quite understands that we have a new home. He absolutely loved the journey here and being able to ride in 2 airplanes! He thought he was one lucky kid. We left on November 30^th at 6:00 am MST, and finally unlocked the door of our new home in North Carolina at 11:30pm EST. Needless to say, it was a very, very, long day. During our flights, I got terribly sick (I hate turbulence, and it got pretty bad!), I heard, “Mommy I’m hungry!” about every ten seconds, and I watched my sweet little boy as he slept, knowing that I am far blessed than I recognize every day.

Us as we were pulling into the Salt Lake Airport

I've never seen him so excited about a plane!

Instead of sitting with us, he was looking at all the airplanes.

Right before taking off

Sweet boy fell asleep just before take off on plane #2

When we left Salt Lake City it was 17 degrees outside, and when we landed it North Carolina, it was 70! My dream winter weather! We have loved our time here so far (4 days) and often think of our Spanish Fork home. Carter still asks for his friends, and in fact asked to go to his friend Kate’s house the first morning we were here. He still tells everyone that he lives in Utah, and he has already made fast friends. I think we are going to like our time her and experience lots of new adventures.

Jason is amazed with the factory here. He says that they make tubs and tubs of Tollhouse Cookie D

ough, and they taste test each batch every day to make sure that it is perfection. He might be bringing us home some tubs of cookie dough, so I might look a little different when we return. I love my Nestle sweets!!!

Carter in his new room.

Our first day in Greensboro

Living in an apartment has been a HUGE change for me. It seems as if we are the only family in our complex with a young child, but they have a great gym where I can work off those cookie dough calories, and I’m sure there are people here who need our friendship too. We just have to find them, and find them before this small apartment living makes me go insane lol. Having neighbors so close to us again has been a big adjustment, but we’ve been pretty good about being busy all day everyday exploring our city. I think tomorrow we’ll visit the Children’s museum! Anyways… Until next time, Happy Reading! 

Carter got to see Santa!

Candle Fest in Greensborro

Virginia and North Carolina

Well, our time here in Spanish Fork is quickly disappearing. I know that we will be back in six months, but my heart still hearts a little. We are leaving a wonderful neighborhood family behind. One that has helped us through our toughest time yet, and one that will always be in our hearts no matter where we end up. I never thought a place in Utah could grow on me so much.

If you are wondering what I mean by leaving (because we have been terrible about tell everyone), our little family is off on an adventure to the East Coast. Jason will be helping a Nestle factory in Virginia on a six month mission, and our little family will be living in North Carolina. We will be leaving our home this Wednesday.We are going to miss so much during our long trip, but think it will be a good breath of fresh air from all that our little family has had to endure this past year.

Our house…a painful yet wonderful memory of what we once had here. Our neighborhood… a wonderful reminder of friendships and faces who have been there through our hardships. Spanish Fork Utah… A place we will ever hold dear to our hearts. Places that hold so many emotions. Why not a new adventure? Why not a little get away to let our hearts heal a little more? Nestle has provided that opportunity for our little family, and we take it with excitement, nervousness, and maybe just a little relief from the moving itch that we’ve been feeling a little bit lately.

Jason

Jason just finished his real estate class, and will be getting his real estate license this month! He is so excited to have new experiences with a new factory for Nestle in Virginia. Along with all his hard work, he has be able to train for and run 2 half marathons, and loves his little boy with all his heart. I love watching them play, wrestle, and giggle as they make every second of their time together memorable. They are my world, and I love them.

My BEST FRIEND! <3 him!

First half of the season!

Jason beat us by a long shot!

Carter

Carter seems to get older and older as every second passes. He is becoming such an independent little man, which can be helpful and not so helpful at the same time. He is loving his time with preschool, and loves to spend every second he can with his friends. As his mommy and daddy have been training for races, he has learned to love running. He ran his first race at the Haunted Half Marathon! He loved running the kids run, and I’m sure there will be so many more to come!  We sure love this little boy, and all his character.

First snowy day and he spent it in style!

Silly boy sleeping.

He loved Las Vegas!

I love spending time with this silly boy!

Yep, that's my shirt!

Clarissa

I ran the Provo Haunted half and I just finished my first Ragnar in Las Vegas. I loved every second of my Ragnar, and hope to do another one in the near future. The thing that made it so great was my team, they were just like a family. Each one of them did amazing and we supported each other through everything. We had a pretty hard core team member who broke her leg 1 mile into her third leg, and she still finished! I sure miss my awesome Ragnar family, and hope we can run together again soon. It was so awesome to have Jason and Carter there at the finish line with me! Do to my over enthusiasm for running, I am now in a boot from having tendinitis throughout my left foot. It has been driving me crazy to not be able to run for a few weeks. I can hardly wait to start training for my next race!

Our awesome Ragnar team!

My van for the Ragnar! Best group of people EVER!

My favorite people on earth!

Carter was my biggest fan. He asked me, "mommy, did you win?" at least a million times

My lovely boot, I have to wear for the next 3 weeks!

Our family

We are doing OK. There are times I find us laughing and loving life together. There are other times we think of our sweet little Shanna girl. I miss her desperately every minute she isn’t here with us, and often think of what she would be like. She would have been 7 months this month, and it’s hard to think she’s gone. Nights are still hard for me, as I yearn to hear her in our room again, and my mind often turns to that terrifying moment when our worst nightmare unfolded before our very eyes. My heart will forever be haunted by that day. 

Tiffanie White is amazing! She is a great photographer!

Many people have asked me how I do it every day. How I deal with the loss of my baby girl. Honestly some days I don’t know. One thing that I do know however, is that a man named Jesus Christ lived here on earth. He lived a sinless life and was the most extraordinary example of so many things. People hated him, killed him, and he rose again. He followed his father’s plan to come here to earth to die for all of us so that we could return to our heavenly home and be with our family for forever! That means we will see Shanna again! We will hold her, and love her, and raise her again someday. It doesn’t come without a price, for I need to do my very best to be worthy of being with my sweet baby again.  But I know that through the atonement of Jesus Christ, that I can have this wonderful blessing! I can do it! I can make it! I will not give up! 

I miss this little with all of my heart.

She's mine FOREVER!

Until next time… Happy Reading!

6 months

Today is October 17th. 6 months ago was the day my baby girl was born. Through all the things we knew she would go through, that was one of the happiest days of my life. I will never forget that special moment I was able to hold her after she was born. Her little broken body seemed so perfect. She was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen and I wanted so badly to take everything she'd have to go through away. Now the number 17 is a painful day when I realize she is no longer here with me. My Shanna girl would have been 6 months on this day. I often wonder, what would she be like? what would she be doing? How big would she be? Would I finally hear her laugh? The possibility of her still living, breaks my heart. My baby girl, what is she doing now? Who is taking care of her in heaven? Does she know how much I miss her? Does she know how much I love her?

My beautiful Shanna

I Love her face in this picture. Sleepy newborn <3

My warrior princess was in her car seat so much.

This picture will always touch my heart. 

The plan of our Heavenly Father is the most perfect and wonderful plan for all of his children. Losing Shanna has taught me that my Heavenly Father does love me. I am never alone in all of the hard things that I go through in this life. He has put so many angels in my path who have given me the strength to carry on, and I have been able to comfort those who have been chosen for the hardest trials of losing a child. We are God's children, and He loves us dearly. We go through hard things to make us stronger and help us learn. The blessings of eternity will be poured upon us if we endure this life with faith and trust in Him. Every day it hurts not to have my beautiful little girl here with me, but everyday is a day closer to being able to have the opportunity to raise her. Everyday is a day that I am able to try harder to be my best. I understand the tiniest bit more that she was meant to leave this life the way she did. She came here to do all that she needed to, and some day I will see her again.



For now, the wonderful things that help me get out of bed everyday, are the blessings I am continually blessed with and recognize everyday! I have amazing neighbors and friends. I have an incredible husband and family. I have the knowledge of the great plan of happiness and I have a loving father in heaven that knows what I need and I know he'll take care of me. My life is a gift. My life has a plan. My life has a purpose, in heaven it began.

Here are some happenings of the Osborn family in the last couple of weeks.

Jason
One of the hardest working people I know. He's had the opportunity to travel a couple of times for work. Our biggest adventure with Nestle is yet to come. Although Carter and I have missed daddy, we are so proud of him and all he does!

Jason got to go to Logan and visit some of our friends while working.

Clarissa
Running, running, and more running! October 29th will be my 3rd half marathon in a super long time! Shortly after, the adventures of the Vegas Ragnar will begin. When not trying to get up the motivation to run, I've been teaching pre-school, working on household projects, and trying hard to keep up my energy.

Carter and I riding the train at the zoo.

Carter
Carter had been attending a co-op preschool with some of his friends. While not at preschool, he loves to read, play cars, and tell his mommy and daddy how much he loves them. Riding in the jogging stroller has become a not so favorite past time, and He takes any chance he gets to play with friends and make others laugh. He is the sunshine of our family.

Are those googles.... why yes, yes they are!

Pre-school boy <3

Silly, handsome boy.

Pushing his bestie

Pumpkin Patch with friends!

He loves his googles!

Olympic Park in Park City

At the zoo with cousins!

Aunt Siehara and cousin Carmen (oh and mommy's finger)

He's still my sweet little baby :)