Summertime fun!

My biggest fear as a mother who has lost a child is that they will be forgotten. Sometimes I feel as if I need to tell every stranger about my precious angels, because somehow it'll make it so they are not forgotten. There are times I feel like the world has moved on, but I'm still hurting so badly that I want everyone to feel it and never forget. This passed week I've been able to feel a little more normal, and have been able to create new memories with my family.

This little guy fell asleep while I was packing for our trip

The very first Mark Ballantyne reunion commenced in Washington state. It was a fun filled week with lots of swimming and summertime activities. We went camping at Lake Chelan and just had fun together. I loved seeing Carter with his cousins, and they were inseparable all week!

Loved swimming at grandma's house and these 2 boys

These three loved to be together!

My little cutie at camp

Jason and I in Leavenworth. 

By the camp fire

More fun by the fire

Carter caught some fish on the last day at the lake

The girls plus grandma (my mom). She is taking the picture

On our last day, the girls got our nails did

On our last night in Washington, my mom gave me a gift for my little girls. She got 4 oysters to open and see if they had pearls in them. Pearl is one of June's birth stones, I guess it has two. Anyway, we opened the four oysters and one of them had 2 pearls. Now I have 5 sweet little pearls...one for each of my precious babies. Another way for me to feel that they are always with me and that they lived. Not only that, but that they will be mine forever! Thanks mom, I love them!

Shanna, kylie, Savanah, Ellie, and Lexi

My sweet little pearls

On our way there and back, we were even able to stop and see my grandma and grandpa. It's my favorite when we get them all to ourselves! We love them so much! I especially enjoyed watching Carter jump on the tramp, build with blocks, and do a lot of the things I used to do whenever we were at grandma's house. There was a moment when I felt very sad, because my little baby boy is no longer a baby. All the moments we have together are fleeting and sometimes it is hard to see him grow up. I don't want him to grow up, I want him to stay little forever.

Jumping on the tramp at great grandma's house

Building blocks at great grandma's house <3

I will always treasure this picture with great grandma

Love these treasures 

After our wonderful trip, we came home to the 24th of July, pioneer day! Carter and I got up super early just to get a good seat for the awesome 2 hour parade in Spanish Fork. It was so much fun! It was a little hard to see my little man all by himself. I had a few moments with tears in my eyes, especially when he begged for a friend to be with him and not his mom. We were sitting by a family with many kids who were enjoying the parade together, and I thought about how I wanted that so bad. I always dreamed of having a big family, and for Carter to have brothers and sisters to do things with. Some times it's hard to swallow the knowledge that all of the siblings we tried to give him are no longer here on earth.

The moment that made me super sad for my sweet boy

We've been talking to Carter about possibly getting a pet to be his little buddy. After looking at a few possibilities we finally decided on a cute little puppy. His name is Bruno, and I think he's just what we needed. Someone to love and care for. I'm excited for Carter and Bruno to grow up together!

Carter hosing Bruno on the way home

Our cute little Bruno

Well, we don't have any more trips this summer, but life has a way of keeping us busy. Until next time, be thankful for what you've been given and take time to make memories with your little ones!

One Year Anniversary

Today has been a very hard day. Today is the day our precious little girl Shanna, did all that she needed to do here on earth and was called back to her heavenly home. I will never forget the day we first met our sweet angel.

Shanna's grave

I was so scared because she came 4 weeks early, and we wanted her to be big for her open heart surgery. As I was life flighted to the university of Utah, I prayed with all the energy of my heart, that she would be ok. That she would make it through surgery and I would be able to love her and raise her. Once they placed her in front of me, I cried. She was the most beautiful thing, and all I could think about was the rough road ahead. I wanted so badly to take away her heart defect and take away on the pain. I couldn't imagine this perfect little baby going through so much in such a short time on earth.

Shanna girl hours after birth

The first time I got to hold her before she went to the NICU

2 days old and beautiful

My little warrior princess

One thing I have never regretted, is all the snuggling and cuddling I did with that sweet ltitle baby. I often fell asleep with her tiny body on my chest. When we'd wake up, her little head would bob around trying ever so hard to look at me. I still remember the sounds she would make, and I'm so terrified to forget it.

Snuggles in the hospital

My favorite thing to do, hold my Shanna 

Carter had such a strong bond with his little sister, ever since the first day he met her. He loved her whole heartedly. It still breaks my heart when he asks why she had to leave, and when she'll be back again. Every so often in his prayers, he asks his Heavenly Father to bring his baby sister back. The morning she passed away, he didn't care where Jason and I were. He only wanted to know where his Shanna girl was.

Oh my heart

So proud of his little sister

As I look at pictures, as I recall memories, as I think of my precious baby, I can't help but think about the plan of salvation. How could a loving God be so cruel as to take away my baby girl and never let me see her again? I don't believe it! Family relationships are everything in this life. The relationships we have here are never meant to end at death, but will continue to the next life and for eternity. I believe that with all my heart and know that I will see her again. I just have to endure this time on earth with out her.

Moments before going home

Losing all of my little girls has helped me see things in a different light. I may not have the opportunity to raise my girls here on earth, but I do have a sweet little boy that I've been a mother to for 4 years. There are times I complain, there are times I get frustrated, but then I am reminded that I am so blessed to have him. I need to love him with all of my heart, all the time. I need to remember that he's just a child and there are many things he doesn't yet understand. Sometimes I am so scared that he will be taken away from me too. I often think about how I am showing him love, and how I am showing him that he is the most important to me. I hope with all my heart, that he will always know, with out a doubt, that his mommy loves him.

He melts my heart. 

My favorite pic of Carter and I 

It's only been a year with out her, and I have a lifetime of years to go. Thank you to all my wonderful friends who checked up on me today. Thank you for keeping my mind busy, distracting me, and sending me rays of sunshine in the form of cards, flowers, and gifts. What you may have thought was something simple, it was a huge thing for me. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for helping me through this very difficult time!

My bright eyed beautiful girl

Just hanging out

Milk drunk  <3

A Family Get Away

What a great week it has been! We were able to go on a family trip to get some fresh air and new scenery. We had a lot of fun, and now have tons of memories to look back on. We left last Friday morning and came home yesterday, back to reality and life as we know it. Sometimes I wish vacations could last forever! They always go by so fast!

Friday we arrived at our camp site at the Grand Teton National Forest. We had a sweet set up with not having to bring a tent. Something called a tent cabin was all set up and waiting for us. We stayed there until Sunday morning, and we had a blast. Carter and Jason got to swim at the lake (while I got to watch), we all went to a fish hatchery, and we even got to check out Jackson Hole for the first time ever. It's a really neat mountain town in Wyoming, and it's super expensive. That's probably because they get a ton of visitors, lots of tourists.

Carter being silly on our long drive. 

My cute little boy 

Our little family at one of the stops on the way 

Carter at the swim beach. 

After dinner, it got cold. 

Jackson Hole antler arch

Carter found a moose!

At the swim beach. 

My boys, and the view!

Our camping trip was great, and I was a little sad to have to share my cute little family with more family. But it turned out to be awesome and I love visiting my cousin! When we got to Idaho Falls we discovered a super cool park, ate a pic nic lunch, and then got super wet in the water (at least Carter did ha ha). The next few days consisted of visiting Rexburg/BYU Idaho (our old stomping grounds), eating frozen yogurt and Italian ice, loving on some cute kiddos, late nights of playing games, having a birthday party, a fourth of July parade, and watching an awesome firework show. All in all we had a super good time!

Jason, just chillin in the park. 

Carter, not looking at the camera, little stinker

Carter and daddy checking out the park. 

Carter playing with the birthday boy 

Parade time! Carter didn't want to take a picture. 

Photo bomber!

Carter isn't a fan of loud noises. That's what parades are made of.

My cousin! She's awesome!

I was hoping for a little relief from the grief of losing our sweet girls. Of course there were fleeting moments when I wasn't thinking about how much our life has changed in just one year, but those moments were tender mercies for me. To just feel normal for even a second can be a huge relief. It's the nights that are the most hard for me. My mind is always racing, thinking about the day we met our little girls, and the days we had to say goodbye. Shanna popped into my head a lot too, while we were in Idaho. Last year we had her with us. We never would have thought she'd be called to her Heavenly home only days later. This time of year will always be so hard for me.

Visiting family, and being able to focus on them and their lives helped a ton. Isn't it funny how focusing on someone else helps us forget about ourselves? If you've never tried it, you should. It's therapy for the body, mind, and soul. Speaking of focusing on others, we were able to have a great experience today. Random Acts helped us out so much before, when we thought we would be taking our baby girls home. They gave us the opportunity to help other people and donate all the items that were given to us, to Intermountain Healing Hearts. We've been able to be a part of giving those items to families who really need them. We've been given so much, as compete strangers have reached out to us and have given us strength during this hard time in our lives. Thank you to all those inspiring people! Thank you for all the prayers that have been said on our behave as well. We have felt so much love!