Jason & Clarissa: August 2017

I've started this post at least a thousand times now. I have had so many thoughts and so many emotions, but have been too busy to make the time to write much. I've been blown away by the good in this world. There have been so many wonderful people who have reached out to us still, 2 almost 3 months since we lost our baby girls. Compete strangers have given me the strength to live another day, and keep pushing forward. My heart breaks for those who are going through something similar. Never in a million years would I want anyone to experience the loss of a child.

I went to primary children's hospital today. A place I never really wanted to revisit. I had volunteered to redecorate a bulletin board in the cardiac ICU, and never thought I would be walking out of there again with tears streaming down my face. I just couldn't hold it in any longer, and felt as if I was leaving the hospital empty handed yet again.

This is my favorite picture. It is the background on my phone, and I look at it everyday...every time I see it, I'm reminded of the beautiful relationship my sweet little boy had with his beautiful little sister. They loved each other, and Carter was smitten with her. I hope he remembers her, and never forgets that he met her.

I remember, days before we said goodbye, Carter had a cough. We weren't sure how strong Shanna's immune system was with the chromosome deletion syndrome she had, and often told Carter not to touch his little sister. Thinking about it now, it breaks my heart. I feel as though I took away precious moments and memories Carter could have had with his sister. Some times I like to imagine, when I have hard nights when I miss her so much, she's with me. I hope Carter feels her near.

When I think about Carter and Shanna, my mind then thinks of Kylie, Savanah, Ellie, and Lexi. What would their relationship have been like if only we were able to have those sweet girls a little longer? I know Carter would have adored each one, and would have wanted every one to see his sisters. Just like he wanted every one to see his Shanna girl. He was so proud of her. I hope when we are reunited in heaven, even though Carter will have his own family, I hope he is given the opportunity to love on his sisters and get to know them.

I don't mean to be sad and depressing. The nights are just so hard for me. This is the time I ache for all of my 6 children to be together. To see each of them learn and grow together. To have their own memories of family vacations, of family parties,and reunions. I want to sit and reminisce about their baby days and childhood. To share precious moments and write all the crazy things they said, or things they taught me in moments of weakness. I want so badly to have my babies with me now. I guess all the wishing and wanting doesn't make it come to pass, and doesn't help my aching heart. I have been given hope through my savior however, that I will have them again some day.

I am the luckiest mom in the world, and I think I need to realize that more often. I have a sweet, handsome, funny, adorable little boy who makes my heart smile everyday! Everyday he's growing a little older, and everyday I am creating memories with him! He is my everything. He gives me so much strength. It's just fine that he's my only child here on earth, and having him is more than many people have our will ever have. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for sending me angels. Carter is the greatest I've been given.

Here are some pictures of our latest adventures! I hope you enjoy them, and know that we are given so much love everyday!