Where did November go?!

December 5th... how is it December already?! Where has all the time gone?! It has slipped between my fingers yet again. We woke up to snow outside this morning, and suddenly I have to start preparing for Christmas! Being insanely busy doesn't help the time slipping by. Every moment has been completely filled with something. It's the moments that seem to stop that are hard.

The month of November was kicked off with one of my favorite Halloweens. We had so much fun trick or treating, even though my costume was very last minute and very thrown together. I guess you can't beat the $3 price....

The trick or treating gang :)

The cutest Marshall EVER!

The pie I was supposed to make... it got eaten before I could finish it.

The rest of the month is a blur. I got up every morning at 4 am to teach cute little Chinese children English. As soon as 7 am chimed on the clock, I was then off to substitute teach at another school. Most of my days were challenging, and being away from my sweet little boy and husband was hard! I think I lost my head when my last day substituting was the BEST class EVER! Jason soon reminded me of all the missed time at home, and the many tears shed from previous hard classes. Not only that, but the thought of continuing and having to put Carter into day care, quickly snapped me out of that phase. I'm done with the hours to renew my teaching license, and I must move on.

Jason has been the hardest worker ever, while I was off on my adventures with teaching. Not only was he taking care of our sweet little boy, and training for another spartan, but he was finishing our basement bathroom. I am happy to say it is pretty much done! Finished! Yay!

Our little family didn't really get any time together until the week of Thanksgiving. Just as we were about to jet off on our 10 day vacation, Carter came down with a bad cold and pink eye. Yep that's right, so we ended up leaving Monday before Thanksgiving. We enjoyed ourselves in Nyssa Oregon where we have shared many memories, and got to spend time with Carter's Great-grand parents. I love sharing places of my childhood with Carter and Jason. Grandma's house is definitely one of the best places out there! Carter was reunited with his cousins, and I got to see my sister (who moved to Washington) and my parents. We had so much fun watching movies, going to the temple, running a 10K, eating lots of delicious food, making pie, and watching cousins play together. It was a great Thanksgiving!

Cooking in the kitchen with Great Grandma <3

The starting line for our 10K!

I know I mention our little girls quite often in these posts. Even though they are gone, they are still a huge part of my thoughts and my life. As we were enjoying ourselves with everyone at Thanksgiving I couldn't help but think of them. Oh how I wished so much that they could be there with us! Our little Shanna girl would probably be walking and getting into anything and everything possible. Kylie, Savannah, Ellie, and Lexi would probably be needing lots of attention. There would have been plenty of hands to pass them around to. We would be loving on those girls just as much as we love on Carter everyday. Even though my sweet angels are not here with us, I noticed so many blessings that came from our loss. We've been able to meet so many people, hear their stories, and reach out to so many families. We've been able to share in the joy and sadness of others and (hopefully) bring hope to those who feel that they've lost too much. My heart may hurt every day of this life until I am reunited with my baby girls, but there is far more good in the world to let go just yet. All that light gives me hope and helps me move forward.

As we start our December and end another hard chapter in the life of our little family, I hope we can continue to bring hope and light to those around us. I hope that each of you can only see the good that comes of things that are hard. We are children of a loving God who cares for us and wants what's best for us. I can't help but think that he has something great in store for our family. His plan is always so much greater than our own and more glorious than we can imagine. Continue to be the good in the world and focus on that good through out this holiday season. If you don't hear from me for a while from now, keep your head up. Keep on keeping on. Have a wonderful Christmas season!

We went to the festival of trees. 

Yes, I am hiding stuff behind my back. Awkward pose lol

More time has passed

I started this blog a long time ago, after Jason and I got married. I started it to share all our adventures, to update family without having to make a zillion phone calls, and always share our happy news. I never dreamed in a million years I would also share our sorrows too.  Especially ones so heart wrenching. Some times I feel like I should have moved on by now. I should begin everyday thankful for what I've been given, and never look back at what has been taken away. I never thought I'd still be hurting so bad. Every moment is different though. There are moments when I am so blissfully happy and seconds later the tears won't stop coming. There are days when I feel so defeated, and days when I've been given a surge of strength. I wonder if this will ever go away. If this is how it will always be.

I think children have a way of tuning into how their mothers feel. Carter usually wants nothing to do with me, and always wants to be surrounded by friends. The past couple of weeks I've heard so many I love yous and so many, mommy will you play with me? I've gotten more hugs and kisses lately than I've gotten all year. It's amazing how being wanted and needed, is so healing. My little boy is often the only thing that keeps me going.

Carter asking me to play with him at the park

Our family hasn't been up to too much lately. We've visited friends, gone to lots of family events, had a mini get away, and have started to get excited about Halloween. I've also started teaching Chinese children English at insane hours in the morning and night. I've been able to help out in Carter's class,  which has been so much more fun than I ever thought. We're doing pretty good considering all that we've gone through in the last couple years. Staying busy had definitely helped.

We went on a road trip tho Logan to visit our dear friends 

We went to Hee Hawk Farm for a like pumpkin p

Carter with a cute little bunny

Carter at his pumpkin patch field trip 

Cater loved the corn!

Some pumpkin carving fun

The gang carving pumpkins

The awesome jack o lanterns we carved!

My sweet like buddy

Carter in his costume. He's the cutest marshal ever!!!

 We still feel the love and prayers from so many. Thank you for your support, your friendship, and love. I hope I have some more exciting stuff to post next time. Until then make some awesome memories of your own!

A Quiet House

Shanna would have been 17 months old on the 17th of September. With all the things she had with her DI George syndrome, I'm not sure what she would be doing now. I often think of her and what she would be like now. Would she be crawling? Would she be walking? Would she be eating with out a feeding tube? Would she have beautiful long hair, or would her hair be really short? Would she know how much we all love her so very much? Now my house seems very quiet with out all the little ones we hoped and still wish we had. My little boy had even started preschool and that makes our house deadly quiet. There are so many times I wish I could just get a glimpse of what life would be like with my 5 beautiful baby girls. I'm sure it would be my very favorite.

Well, now that it has been a very long time since my last post, I thought I would take the quiet moments of tonight to give you all an update on our family. Although there are still days when my world stops, I can still feel all the prayers and love from wonderful people near and far. So many things have given me the strength to keep moving forward.

Package delivery!

Silly Carter waking home after church

Carter started preschool, and he is loving every second of it! Every day, the first thing he asks me is, "Is today a preschool day?!" When I tell him it's not a preschool day, he cries. I must say, I did very well saying goodbye to him on the first day, but last week I bawled as I drove away. He already doesn't like me to walk him all the way in. He simply jumps out of the car, and while running to the preschool door yells, "bye mommy, I love you!" That was the day I cried. I'm not ready for my baby boy not to need me anymore. I want him to need me forever.

Carter with his preschool teacher

Carter hanging up his back pack 

My older sister was staying with us for a little while before she moved, and I loved every second of having her and her kids here! While she went back to work after maternity leave, she also asked me to watch her 3 month old son and 3 year old daughter. Carter had a best friend to play with, and although it hurt at times...I had a baby to hold. The day she left, my house was quieter than it has been in a very long time. When Carter went to preschool and I was home alone, I wanted to just sit and cry.

Carter with his cousin Carmen 

I started substitute teaching, and am itching to get back in the teacher world. Before I had little Carter, I had my dream job. It was at my dream school, with my dream team, and my dream grade. It was very hard for me to give that up when we moved to Nevada, but wouldn't ever take back being able to take care of my baby boy 24/7. In fact he is still the reason I haven't gone back full time. He stole my heart, and now I won't ever get it back.

Carter and I outside his preschool

Our little family participated in the annual heart walk for intermountain healing hearts. Last year this took place weeks after Shanna passed away, and they did a beautiful angel ceremony for all the heart angels. Then, I felt so much support and love. This time, I hurt for all the families who recently lost a child to a CHD. I had a few minutes to talk about our Shanna girl, and kept it short and sweet so as to not break down in front of everyone. I wish I could have talked longer. I wish I could talk about the sweet baby we miss so dearly, but it always ends in never ending tears. One day, I hope that gets better so that I can just be happy and enjoy talking about our baby girl.

Our little family at the heart walk

Carter by Shanna's picture 

We've been doing lots of house work lately, and hope to have our basement bathroom/laundry room finished with in the next few weeks. I've decided it's a fun and stressful process. Fun to pick things out and design it. Not so fun to see our bank account disappear.

Carter helping with the shower

My little helper

Ca

My little fisher man

Life is Busy!

I've started this post at least a thousand times now. I have had so many thoughts and so many emotions, but have been too busy to make the time to write much. I've been blown away by the good in this world. There have been so many wonderful people who have reached out to us still, 2 almost 3 months since we lost our baby girls. Compete strangers have given me the strength to live another day, and keep pushing forward. My heart breaks for those who are going through something similar. Never in a million years would I want anyone to experience the loss of a child. 

I went to primary children's hospital today. A place I never really wanted to revisit. I had volunteered to redecorate a bulletin board in the cardiac ICU, and never thought I would be walking out of there again with tears streaming down my face.  I just couldn't hold it in any longer, and felt as if I was leaving the hospital empty handed yet again. 

This is my favorite picture. It is the background on my phone, and I look at it everyday...every time I see it, I'm reminded of the beautiful relationship my sweet little boy had with his beautiful little sister. They loved each other, and Carter was smitten with her. I hope he remembers her, and never forgets that he met her.

I remember, days before we said goodbye, Carter had a cough. We weren't sure how strong Shanna's immune system was with the chromosome deletion syndrome she had, and often told Carter not to touch his little sister. Thinking about it now, it breaks my heart. I feel as though I took away precious moments and memories Carter could have had with his sister. Some times I like to imagine, when I have hard nights when I miss her so much, she's with me. I hope Carter feels her near.

When I think about Carter and Shanna, my mind then thinks of Kylie, Savanah, Ellie, and Lexi. What would their relationship have been like if only we were able to have those sweet girls a little longer? I know Carter would have adored each one, and would have wanted every one to see his sisters. Just like he wanted every one to see his Shanna girl. He was so proud of her. I hope when we are reunited in heaven, even though Carter will have his own family, I hope he is given the opportunity to love on his sisters and get to know them.

I don't mean to be sad and depressing. The nights are just so hard for me. This is the time I ache for all of my 6 children to be together. To see each of them learn and grow together. To have their own memories of family vacations, of family parties,and reunions. I want to sit and reminisce about their baby days and childhood. To share precious moments and write all the crazy things they said, or things they taught me in moments of weakness. I want so badly to have my babies with me now. I guess all the wishing and wanting doesn't make it come to pass, and doesn't help my aching heart. I have been given hope through my savior however, that I will have them again some day.

I am the luckiest mom in the world, and I think I need to realize that more often. I have a sweet, handsome, funny, adorable little boy who makes my heart smile everyday! Everyday he's growing a little older, and everyday I am creating memories with him! He is my everything. He gives me so much strength. It's just fine that he's my only child here on earth, and having him is more than many people have our will ever have. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for sending me angels. Carter is the greatest I've been given.

Here are some pictures of our latest adventures! I hope you enjoy them, and know that we are given so much love everyday!

Our cut little man with his little puppy

My silly boy hanging upside down

We got a temporary head stone for our quad girls

Jason finished a spartan with stone good friends

My spartan warrior

Carter and his cousin who will be moving soon

Hot BYU football game

He's getting so good at riding his bike

We've been going on bike rides, carter's new favorite thing

Going on fair rides

First monster truck rally for all of us

We've been learning how to take care of roses

Another spartan pic

Carter did awesome with swim lessons!

Love my boys

Hanging out outside

Lots of watermelon eating 😊

Summertime fun!

My biggest fear as a mother who has lost a child is that they will be forgotten. Sometimes I feel as if I need to tell every stranger about my precious angels, because somehow it'll make it so they are not forgotten. There are times I feel like the world has moved on, but I'm still hurting so badly that I want everyone to feel it and never forget. This passed week I've been able to feel a little more normal, and have been able to create new memories with my family.

This little guy fell asleep while I was packing for our trip

The very first Mark Ballantyne reunion commenced in Washington state. It was a fun filled week with lots of swimming and summertime activities. We went camping at Lake Chelan and just had fun together. I loved seeing Carter with his cousins, and they were inseparable all week!

Loved swimming at grandma's house and these 2 boys

These three loved to be together!

My little cutie at camp

Jason and I in Leavenworth. 

By the camp fire

More fun by the fire

Carter caught some fish on the last day at the lake

The girls plus grandma (my mom). She is taking the picture

On our last day, the girls got our nails did

On our last night in Washington, my mom gave me a gift for my little girls. She got 4 oysters to open and see if they had pearls in them. Pearl is one of June's birth stones, I guess it has two. Anyway, we opened the four oysters and one of them had 2 pearls. Now I have 5 sweet little pearls...one for each of my precious babies. Another way for me to feel that they are always with me and that they lived. Not only that, but that they will be mine forever! Thanks mom, I love them!

Shanna, kylie, Savanah, Ellie, and Lexi

My sweet little pearls

On our way there and back, we were even able to stop and see my grandma and grandpa. It's my favorite when we get them all to ourselves! We love them so much! I especially enjoyed watching Carter jump on the tramp, build with blocks, and do a lot of the things I used to do whenever we were at grandma's house. There was a moment when I felt very sad, because my little baby boy is no longer a baby. All the moments we have together are fleeting and sometimes it is hard to see him grow up. I don't want him to grow up, I want him to stay little forever.

Jumping on the tramp at great grandma's house

Building blocks at great grandma's house <3

I will always treasure this picture with great grandma

Love these treasures 

After our wonderful trip, we came home to the 24th of July, pioneer day! Carter and I got up super early just to get a good seat for the awesome 2 hour parade in Spanish Fork. It was so much fun! It was a little hard to see my little man all by himself. I had a few moments with tears in my eyes, especially when he begged for a friend to be with him and not his mom. We were sitting by a family with many kids who were enjoying the parade together, and I thought about how I wanted that so bad. I always dreamed of having a big family, and for Carter to have brothers and sisters to do things with. Some times it's hard to swallow the knowledge that all of the siblings we tried to give him are no longer here on earth.

The moment that made me super sad for my sweet boy

We've been talking to Carter about possibly getting a pet to be his little buddy. After looking at a few possibilities we finally decided on a cute little puppy. His name is Bruno, and I think he's just what we needed. Someone to love and care for. I'm excited for Carter and Bruno to grow up together!

Carter hosing Bruno on the way home

Our cute little Bruno

Well, we don't have any more trips this summer, but life has a way of keeping us busy. Until next time, be thankful for what you've been given and take time to make memories with your little ones!