Here We Are

Well, we've been back in Utah for almost a whole month now. Some times it feels strange that we left North Carolina, but other times... it feels like we never left Utah. We haven't really had a lot of time to relax and get back into life here. We've kind of just had to jump all in, and hope that some day it might all slow down. Time never does though. It just seems to speed up.

Since we've been back we've been up to a lot of projects and things around the house. With the news of our 4 little babies coming this year, we've really had to kick it in high gear and get things done quickly. We have no idea how long I'll be able to be on my feet, so for now we just make the best of everyday. Did you think our little quad stunt was a joke? Well, believe or not... we were and are not joking. Our little family of 3 plus our angel, will be growing to be a family of 8 this year!

The Day We Heard the News

It's amazing how children change your life instantly. As soon as you find out that they are on their way, and that your amazing body is making another human being... there are no words. It's exciting, scary, wonderful, stressful, and crazy all rolled into one. When we first found out about Carter, I bawled. I could not believe I was so lucky to be able to have a child and to be a mother. When we found out about Shanna, we went to the temple to thank our Heavenly Father for a blessing we weren't so sure was possible any more. When we found out about our sweet quads, so many emotions were pulsing through me. I could not believe that there were four! After hearing all of their heart beats, I cried, I panicked, I thought, this can't be happening. All the terrifying things with Shanna suddenly started flooding back times four. My tears didn't stop for a few weeks after that.

We're having quadruplets!

Well, that day was all the way back in February. Now that I've had a little while to process what we have been blessed with, it has gotten much better. Jason is the most excited person out of anyone we have told, and knowing that I'll be going through this with him, makes it all the more better. We have been through a lot, me and him. Never once has he left me to do things on my own, and never once has he not given me the words of encouragement I need to hear. He's my rock. Not only that, but he is our project driver. We've finished our kitchen cabinets (hardware and all), painted shutters, cleared a jungle of weeds, fixed the yard, and spent as much time with Carter as we can. I hope he finds this new adventure exciting and good. The 3 musketeers will not be here for much longer.

Our Shanna Girl

Some people have been so surprised by our announcement, and the closeness of it to our daughters death. Our hearts ache everyday just to see and hold her again. Our choice to have another baby came because of our sweet little boy. He misses his little sister, but knows that we still have little brothers and sisters for him in heaven. He wants to be a big brother again. We have struggled with the feeling of replacing our sweet Shanna girl, but the truth is... I think she sent these 4 angels to come keep us company until we see her again. Having just one baby would have been overwhelmingly hard, but 4... I guess we can handle four.

April was the month of so many anniversaries for our sweet baby girl. The anniversary of her birth, of her heart surgery, and soon the anniversary of her coming home to finally be with us as a family at home. Each one hurts more than you can imagine, but strangely I'm so glad we are back in our home where we had her, for all of these anniversaries. Coming back to Utah could not have come at a better time for me. As hard as it is to see her room, to remember our daily cuddles in the front room, and remember her sweet little sounds, it is so good to see and remember those things again. We still think of her, and miss her, every single day.

Shanna's grave 

We visit her grave often

Flowers we got for Shanna's birthday

Carter

Oh my sweet sweet Carter bug. He has been the greatest happiness for our family. I think Heavenly Father sent us him first, because he knew we would need him to get through everything we've gone through. He gives me a reason to get up in the morning, to strive harder to be a better mother, and to always show love. He is so happy to back here with all of his toys, but really I think he missed the familiarity of it all. He missed his little friends, his pictures of his little sister, his bed, and having a yard to play in. He is the strongest little man for all of the things he has had to see us go through. I love him with all of my heart, and I am so thankful for all of the happiness he gives us each day. Our miracle baby isn't a baby anymore. He's a little boy and he's my bestest friend.

My sweet little boy. 

My big boy getting ready to slide down the pole

Carter and his cousin Carmen

Carter after playing in the rain puddles outside

What's to Come

Well, my D-day is in October.... and there is not way I'll be making it that far. I already look like I'm 30 weeks pregnant, and the greatest gestational age we can hope for is 32 weeks. With only being 18 weeks along, it means we have a very long road ahead of us. I am so excited, yet so terrified, and already so exhausted thinking about that whole thing. I always wanted 6 children... I just never thought I would get most of them at once. I hope I can show them the love they need, pay attention to them as individuals, and still have time for my little buddy. You might be hearing from me a lot while on bed rest... but until then I'll be here a little and there a little. Thanks for reading.     

17 weeks

16 weeks