A Broken Heart

We said goodbye to our little girl almost 3 weeks ago, as we laid her to rest. I thought I'd already experienced the most painful event if my life, having her pass away and giving her body to a complete stranger. Little did I know, that burying her sweet little body would be more difficult. It was more of a final goodbye to her in this life, and it shattered my heart. Although I know I'll see her again, my arms and heart ache to hold her again. To hear her little grunts, cries, and see her sweet smile. Is she really gone?

I often miss those days I got to hold and cuddle her in the hospital

Friday July 9th, was the first time we saw our angel since that day we held her lifeless body in the hospital. Walking up to her, holding the dress she would wear for the last time, was so hard. The tears came pouring down my face and once I touched her freezing cold skin, something was different. This beautiful little body was no longer the baby we tried so hard to have. She wasn't the wiggly little girl who kicked her legs with excitement when we talked to her. She wasn't our little girl who wanted to be held and cuddled all the time. Her spirit was gone, and it was as if we were dressing a doll. 

The first night she was home. She was so tiny, these newborn jammies were so big!

  

Saturday morning, her viewing with our family, seemed so surreal. I felt like a zombie and tried so hard not to feel. It hurt too much. My sister created a video of our sweet angel and had it playing in the background. Jason and I both lost it. It was as if we were saying goodbye to our baby all over again. The words of Rachel Platton song, A Better Place, pulled at my heart. This world was truly a better place with our baby here. Although we don’t have many memories of her, her absence still haunts me. I miss her so much.

I was so excited to take all her monthly pictures to see how she grew and changed. 

The weeks after her passing have been far harder than I could ever imagine. Nights are the hardest, and I often find myself waking in the middle of the night to feed her and painfully remember she is no longer with us. I long to feel her close, but know she is doing a more important work than comforting her grieving mother. She is touching lives on the other side of the veil. What a blessing friends and family are, they have kept me busy, and I have felt an out pouring of love. It has made the pain seem distant for just a little bit. I have especially appreciated the advice I have gotten from other mothers who have experienced the loss of a child. My Aunt, who also lost a precious baby girl, told me that the pain will never really get better. You just simply stop thinking about them so often. First it’s every second, then every minute, every hour, every day, every week, and soon you won’t think of her as much, but the pain will still be there every time.

My absolute favorite pic of these two <3

It has been a little hard to even be out and about in Utah. There are many people who have heard of our sweet Shanna, and they always pay their respects. I appreciate their kind words, but at the same time it’s another reminder that she is no longer with us. That my nightmare was real and it will be a long time until I can hold my Shanna girl again. I was relieved to be getting out of town and going to a family reunion. The timing couldn’t have been any better. I didn’t realize however, that her absence would still follow me there. Even packing the car was very hard for me.

Our little family.

I had my first melt down in public. I couldn’t stop the tears, and I couldn’t get her out of my head. My heart was aching and I needed her to be there in my arms. Being around babies hasn’t’ really been that hard, but being surrounded is another story. I attended church at my brother’s ward in Washington, and as we walked to Sunday School… I suddenly found myself surrounded by parents holding their sweet little babies. Jason was also holding my 10 month old niece, and I had to get out. It took almost an hour to stop the tears. I have tried so hard not to fall apart in public. That is what the nights are for.

Carter was given to us first for a reason I think. He has helped us through this grieving process so much. This experience has also taught me, that I have been given so much! Carter has been my best friend for so long, and he continues to be. Every day he tells me he loves me, and I get lost in those eyes lol. He reminds me that Shanna can still see us, and that we will see her again.

She loved to stretch her arms out and grunt. Sometimes I can still hear her little noises.

I apologize for being so depressing. In all of this, there is a silver lining. This whole experience has reminded me over and over, that God is my loving Heavenly Father. He has a plan and he sees the entire picture. He knows what I need to experience and go through in this life. What’s wonderful is that I am not alone in going through it. My Savior Jesus Christ, knows exactly how I feel. He understands every trigger, every irrational bout of sobbing, he died that I might be reunited with my baby again. I know it will be hard, but I also know that it will be worth it. I promise my posts to come will be more uplifting. Until next time, thank you for your prayers. We are loved, and I know and feel it every day.