A Quiet House

Shanna would have been 17 months old on the 17th of September. With all the things she had with her DI George syndrome, I'm not sure what she would be doing now. I often think of her and what she would be like now. Would she be crawling? Would she be walking? Would she be eating with out a feeding tube? Would she have beautiful long hair, or would her hair be really short? Would she know how much we all love her so very much? Now my house seems very quiet with out all the little ones we hoped and still wish we had. My little boy had even started preschool and that makes our house deadly quiet. There are so many times I wish I could just get a glimpse of what life would be like with my 5 beautiful baby girls. I'm sure it would be my very favorite.

Well, now that it has been a very long time since my last post, I thought I would take the quiet moments of tonight to give you all an update on our family. Although there are still days when my world stops, I can still feel all the prayers and love from wonderful people near and far. So many things have given me the strength to keep moving forward.

Package delivery!

Silly Carter waking home after church

Carter started preschool, and he is loving every second of it! Every day, the first thing he asks me is, "Is today a preschool day?!" When I tell him it's not a preschool day, he cries. I must say, I did very well saying goodbye to him on the first day, but last week I bawled as I drove away. He already doesn't like me to walk him all the way in. He simply jumps out of the car, and while running to the preschool door yells, "bye mommy, I love you!" That was the day I cried. I'm not ready for my baby boy not to need me anymore. I want him to need me forever.

Carter with his preschool teacher

Carter hanging up his back pack 

My older sister was staying with us for a little while before she moved, and I loved every second of having her and her kids here! While she went back to work after maternity leave, she also asked me to watch her 3 month old son and 3 year old daughter. Carter had a best friend to play with, and although it hurt at times...I had a baby to hold. The day she left, my house was quieter than it has been in a very long time. When Carter went to preschool and I was home alone, I wanted to just sit and cry.

Carter with his cousin Carmen 

I started substitute teaching, and am itching to get back in the teacher world. Before I had little Carter, I had my dream job. It was at my dream school, with my dream team, and my dream grade. It was very hard for me to give that up when we moved to Nevada, but wouldn't ever take back being able to take care of my baby boy 24/7. In fact he is still the reason I haven't gone back full time. He stole my heart, and now I won't ever get it back.

Carter and I outside his preschool

Our little family participated in the annual heart walk for intermountain healing hearts. Last year this took place weeks after Shanna passed away, and they did a beautiful angel ceremony for all the heart angels. Then, I felt so much support and love. This time, I hurt for all the families who recently lost a child to a CHD. I had a few minutes to talk about our Shanna girl, and kept it short and sweet so as to not break down in front of everyone. I wish I could have talked longer. I wish I could talk about the sweet baby we miss so dearly, but it always ends in never ending tears. One day, I hope that gets better so that I can just be happy and enjoy talking about our baby girl.

Our little family at the heart walk

Carter by Shanna's picture 

We've been doing lots of house work lately, and hope to have our basement bathroom/laundry room finished with in the next few weeks. I've decided it's a fun and stressful process. Fun to pick things out and design it. Not so fun to see our bank account disappear.

Carter helping with the shower

My little helper

Ca

My little fisher man

Life is Busy!

I've started this post at least a thousand times now. I have had so many thoughts and so many emotions, but have been too busy to make the time to write much. I've been blown away by the good in this world. There have been so many wonderful people who have reached out to us still, 2 almost 3 months since we lost our baby girls. Compete strangers have given me the strength to live another day, and keep pushing forward. My heart breaks for those who are going through something similar. Never in a million years would I want anyone to experience the loss of a child. 

I went to primary children's hospital today. A place I never really wanted to revisit. I had volunteered to redecorate a bulletin board in the cardiac ICU, and never thought I would be walking out of there again with tears streaming down my face.  I just couldn't hold it in any longer, and felt as if I was leaving the hospital empty handed yet again. 

This is my favorite picture. It is the background on my phone, and I look at it everyday...every time I see it, I'm reminded of the beautiful relationship my sweet little boy had with his beautiful little sister. They loved each other, and Carter was smitten with her. I hope he remembers her, and never forgets that he met her.

I remember, days before we said goodbye, Carter had a cough. We weren't sure how strong Shanna's immune system was with the chromosome deletion syndrome she had, and often told Carter not to touch his little sister. Thinking about it now, it breaks my heart. I feel as though I took away precious moments and memories Carter could have had with his sister. Some times I like to imagine, when I have hard nights when I miss her so much, she's with me. I hope Carter feels her near.

When I think about Carter and Shanna, my mind then thinks of Kylie, Savanah, Ellie, and Lexi. What would their relationship have been like if only we were able to have those sweet girls a little longer? I know Carter would have adored each one, and would have wanted every one to see his sisters. Just like he wanted every one to see his Shanna girl. He was so proud of her. I hope when we are reunited in heaven, even though Carter will have his own family, I hope he is given the opportunity to love on his sisters and get to know them.

I don't mean to be sad and depressing. The nights are just so hard for me. This is the time I ache for all of my 6 children to be together. To see each of them learn and grow together. To have their own memories of family vacations, of family parties,and reunions. I want to sit and reminisce about their baby days and childhood. To share precious moments and write all the crazy things they said, or things they taught me in moments of weakness. I want so badly to have my babies with me now. I guess all the wishing and wanting doesn't make it come to pass, and doesn't help my aching heart. I have been given hope through my savior however, that I will have them again some day.

I am the luckiest mom in the world, and I think I need to realize that more often. I have a sweet, handsome, funny, adorable little boy who makes my heart smile everyday! Everyday he's growing a little older, and everyday I am creating memories with him! He is my everything. He gives me so much strength. It's just fine that he's my only child here on earth, and having him is more than many people have our will ever have. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for sending me angels. Carter is the greatest I've been given.

Here are some pictures of our latest adventures! I hope you enjoy them, and know that we are given so much love everyday!

Our cut little man with his little puppy

My silly boy hanging upside down

We got a temporary head stone for our quad girls

Jason finished a spartan with stone good friends

My spartan warrior

Carter and his cousin who will be moving soon

Hot BYU football game

He's getting so good at riding his bike

We've been going on bike rides, carter's new favorite thing

Going on fair rides

First monster truck rally for all of us

We've been learning how to take care of roses

Another spartan pic

Carter did awesome with swim lessons!

Love my boys

Hanging out outside

Lots of watermelon eating 😊

Summertime fun!

My biggest fear as a mother who has lost a child is that they will be forgotten. Sometimes I feel as if I need to tell every stranger about my precious angels, because somehow it'll make it so they are not forgotten. There are times I feel like the world has moved on, but I'm still hurting so badly that I want everyone to feel it and never forget. This passed week I've been able to feel a little more normal, and have been able to create new memories with my family.

This little guy fell asleep while I was packing for our trip

The very first Mark Ballantyne reunion commenced in Washington state. It was a fun filled week with lots of swimming and summertime activities. We went camping at Lake Chelan and just had fun together. I loved seeing Carter with his cousins, and they were inseparable all week!

Loved swimming at grandma's house and these 2 boys

These three loved to be together!

My little cutie at camp

Jason and I in Leavenworth. 

By the camp fire

More fun by the fire

Carter caught some fish on the last day at the lake

The girls plus grandma (my mom). She is taking the picture

On our last day, the girls got our nails did

On our last night in Washington, my mom gave me a gift for my little girls. She got 4 oysters to open and see if they had pearls in them. Pearl is one of June's birth stones, I guess it has two. Anyway, we opened the four oysters and one of them had 2 pearls. Now I have 5 sweet little pearls...one for each of my precious babies. Another way for me to feel that they are always with me and that they lived. Not only that, but that they will be mine forever! Thanks mom, I love them!

Shanna, kylie, Savanah, Ellie, and Lexi

My sweet little pearls

On our way there and back, we were even able to stop and see my grandma and grandpa. It's my favorite when we get them all to ourselves! We love them so much! I especially enjoyed watching Carter jump on the tramp, build with blocks, and do a lot of the things I used to do whenever we were at grandma's house. There was a moment when I felt very sad, because my little baby boy is no longer a baby. All the moments we have together are fleeting and sometimes it is hard to see him grow up. I don't want him to grow up, I want him to stay little forever.

Jumping on the tramp at great grandma's house

Building blocks at great grandma's house <3

I will always treasure this picture with great grandma

Love these treasures 

After our wonderful trip, we came home to the 24th of July, pioneer day! Carter and I got up super early just to get a good seat for the awesome 2 hour parade in Spanish Fork. It was so much fun! It was a little hard to see my little man all by himself. I had a few moments with tears in my eyes, especially when he begged for a friend to be with him and not his mom. We were sitting by a family with many kids who were enjoying the parade together, and I thought about how I wanted that so bad. I always dreamed of having a big family, and for Carter to have brothers and sisters to do things with. Some times it's hard to swallow the knowledge that all of the siblings we tried to give him are no longer here on earth.

The moment that made me super sad for my sweet boy

We've been talking to Carter about possibly getting a pet to be his little buddy. After looking at a few possibilities we finally decided on a cute little puppy. His name is Bruno, and I think he's just what we needed. Someone to love and care for. I'm excited for Carter and Bruno to grow up together!

Carter hosing Bruno on the way home

Our cute little Bruno

Well, we don't have any more trips this summer, but life has a way of keeping us busy. Until next time, be thankful for what you've been given and take time to make memories with your little ones!

One Year Anniversary

Today has been a very hard day. Today is the day our precious little girl Shanna, did all that she needed to do here on earth and was called back to her heavenly home. I will never forget the day we first met our sweet angel.

Shanna's grave

I was so scared because she came 4 weeks early, and we wanted her to be big for her open heart surgery. As I was life flighted to the university of Utah, I prayed with all the energy of my heart, that she would be ok. That she would make it through surgery and I would be able to love her and raise her. Once they placed her in front of me, I cried. She was the most beautiful thing, and all I could think about was the rough road ahead. I wanted so badly to take away her heart defect and take away on the pain. I couldn't imagine this perfect little baby going through so much in such a short time on earth.

Shanna girl hours after birth

The first time I got to hold her before she went to the NICU

2 days old and beautiful

My little warrior princess

One thing I have never regretted, is all the snuggling and cuddling I did with that sweet ltitle baby. I often fell asleep with her tiny body on my chest. When we'd wake up, her little head would bob around trying ever so hard to look at me. I still remember the sounds she would make, and I'm so terrified to forget it.

Snuggles in the hospital

My favorite thing to do, hold my Shanna 

Carter had such a strong bond with his little sister, ever since the first day he met her. He loved her whole heartedly. It still breaks my heart when he asks why she had to leave, and when she'll be back again. Every so often in his prayers, he asks his Heavenly Father to bring his baby sister back. The morning she passed away, he didn't care where Jason and I were. He only wanted to know where his Shanna girl was.

Oh my heart

So proud of his little sister

As I look at pictures, as I recall memories, as I think of my precious baby, I can't help but think about the plan of salvation. How could a loving God be so cruel as to take away my baby girl and never let me see her again? I don't believe it! Family relationships are everything in this life. The relationships we have here are never meant to end at death, but will continue to the next life and for eternity. I believe that with all my heart and know that I will see her again. I just have to endure this time on earth with out her.

Moments before going home

Losing all of my little girls has helped me see things in a different light. I may not have the opportunity to raise my girls here on earth, but I do have a sweet little boy that I've been a mother to for 4 years. There are times I complain, there are times I get frustrated, but then I am reminded that I am so blessed to have him. I need to love him with all of my heart, all the time. I need to remember that he's just a child and there are many things he doesn't yet understand. Sometimes I am so scared that he will be taken away from me too. I often think about how I am showing him love, and how I am showing him that he is the most important to me. I hope with all my heart, that he will always know, with out a doubt, that his mommy loves him.

He melts my heart. 

My favorite pic of Carter and I 

It's only been a year with out her, and I have a lifetime of years to go. Thank you to all my wonderful friends who checked up on me today. Thank you for keeping my mind busy, distracting me, and sending me rays of sunshine in the form of cards, flowers, and gifts. What you may have thought was something simple, it was a huge thing for me. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for helping me through this very difficult time!

My bright eyed beautiful girl

Just hanging out

Milk drunk  <3