One Year Anniversary

Today has been a very hard day. Today is the day our precious little girl Shanna, did all that she needed to do here on earth and was called back to her heavenly home. I will never forget the day we first met our sweet angel.

Shanna's grave

I was so scared because she came 4 weeks early, and we wanted her to be big for her open heart surgery. As I was life flighted to the university of Utah, I prayed with all the energy of my heart, that she would be ok. That she would make it through surgery and I would be able to love her and raise her. Once they placed her in front of me, I cried. She was the most beautiful thing, and all I could think about was the rough road ahead. I wanted so badly to take away her heart defect and take away on the pain. I couldn't imagine this perfect little baby going through so much in such a short time on earth.

Shanna girl hours after birth

The first time I got to hold her before she went to the NICU

2 days old and beautiful

My little warrior princess

One thing I have never regretted, is all the snuggling and cuddling I did with that sweet ltitle baby. I often fell asleep with her tiny body on my chest. When we'd wake up, her little head would bob around trying ever so hard to look at me. I still remember the sounds she would make, and I'm so terrified to forget it.

Snuggles in the hospital

My favorite thing to do, hold my Shanna 

Carter had such a strong bond with his little sister, ever since the first day he met her. He loved her whole heartedly. It still breaks my heart when he asks why she had to leave, and when she'll be back again. Every so often in his prayers, he asks his Heavenly Father to bring his baby sister back. The morning she passed away, he didn't care where Jason and I were. He only wanted to know where his Shanna girl was.

Oh my heart

So proud of his little sister

As I look at pictures, as I recall memories, as I think of my precious baby, I can't help but think about the plan of salvation. How could a loving God be so cruel as to take away my baby girl and never let me see her again? I don't believe it! Family relationships are everything in this life. The relationships we have here are never meant to end at death, but will continue to the next life and for eternity. I believe that with all my heart and know that I will see her again. I just have to endure this time on earth with out her.

Moments before going home

Losing all of my little girls has helped me see things in a different light. I may not have the opportunity to raise my girls here on earth, but I do have a sweet little boy that I've been a mother to for 4 years. There are times I complain, there are times I get frustrated, but then I am reminded that I am so blessed to have him. I need to love him with all of my heart, all the time. I need to remember that he's just a child and there are many things he doesn't yet understand. Sometimes I am so scared that he will be taken away from me too. I often think about how I am showing him love, and how I am showing him that he is the most important to me. I hope with all my heart, that he will always know, with out a doubt, that his mommy loves him.

He melts my heart. 

My favorite pic of Carter and I 

It's only been a year with out her, and I have a lifetime of years to go. Thank you to all my wonderful friends who checked up on me today. Thank you for keeping my mind busy, distracting me, and sending me rays of sunshine in the form of cards, flowers, and gifts. What you may have thought was something simple, it was a huge thing for me. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for helping me through this very difficult time!

My bright eyed beautiful girl

Just hanging out

Milk drunk  <3