A Quiet House

Shanna would have been 17 months old on the 17th of September. With all the things she had with her DI George syndrome, I'm not sure what she would be doing now. I often think of her and what she would be like now. Would she be crawling? Would she be walking? Would she be eating with out a feeding tube? Would she have beautiful long hair, or would her hair be really short? Would she know how much we all love her so very much? Now my house seems very quiet with out all the little ones we hoped and still wish we had. My little boy had even started preschool and that makes our house deadly quiet. There are so many times I wish I could just get a glimpse of what life would be like with my 5 beautiful baby girls. I'm sure it would be my very favorite.

Well, now that it has been a very long time since my last post, I thought I would take the quiet moments of tonight to give you all an update on our family. Although there are still days when my world stops, I can still feel all the prayers and love from wonderful people near and far. So many things have given me the strength to keep moving forward.

Package delivery!

Silly Carter waking home after church

Carter started preschool, and he is loving every second of it! Every day, the first thing he asks me is, "Is today a preschool day?!" When I tell him it's not a preschool day, he cries. I must say, I did very well saying goodbye to him on the first day, but last week I bawled as I drove away. He already doesn't like me to walk him all the way in. He simply jumps out of the car, and while running to the preschool door yells, "bye mommy, I love you!" That was the day I cried. I'm not ready for my baby boy not to need me anymore. I want him to need me forever.

Carter with his preschool teacher

Carter hanging up his back pack 

My older sister was staying with us for a little while before she moved, and I loved every second of having her and her kids here! While she went back to work after maternity leave, she also asked me to watch her 3 month old son and 3 year old daughter. Carter had a best friend to play with, and although it hurt at times...I had a baby to hold. The day she left, my house was quieter than it has been in a very long time. When Carter went to preschool and I was home alone, I wanted to just sit and cry.

Carter with his cousin Carmen 

I started substitute teaching, and am itching to get back in the teacher world. Before I had little Carter, I had my dream job. It was at my dream school, with my dream team, and my dream grade. It was very hard for me to give that up when we moved to Nevada, but wouldn't ever take back being able to take care of my baby boy 24/7. In fact he is still the reason I haven't gone back full time. He stole my heart, and now I won't ever get it back.

Carter and I outside his preschool

Our little family participated in the annual heart walk for intermountain healing hearts. Last year this took place weeks after Shanna passed away, and they did a beautiful angel ceremony for all the heart angels. Then, I felt so much support and love. This time, I hurt for all the families who recently lost a child to a CHD. I had a few minutes to talk about our Shanna girl, and kept it short and sweet so as to not break down in front of everyone. I wish I could have talked longer. I wish I could talk about the sweet baby we miss so dearly, but it always ends in never ending tears. One day, I hope that gets better so that I can just be happy and enjoy talking about our baby girl.

Our little family at the heart walk

Carter by Shanna's picture 

We've been doing lots of house work lately, and hope to have our basement bathroom/laundry room finished with in the next few weeks. I've decided it's a fun and stressful process. Fun to pick things out and design it. Not so fun to see our bank account disappear.

Carter helping with the shower

My little helper

Ca

My little fisher man