One Year Anniversary

Today has been a very hard day. Today is the day our precious little girl Shanna, did all that she needed to do here on earth and was called back to her heavenly home. I will never forget the day we first met our sweet angel.

Shanna's grave

I was so scared because she came 4 weeks early, and we wanted her to be big for her open heart surgery. As I was life flighted to the university of Utah, I prayed with all the energy of my heart, that she would be ok. That she would make it through surgery and I would be able to love her and raise her. Once they placed her in front of me, I cried. She was the most beautiful thing, and all I could think about was the rough road ahead. I wanted so badly to take away her heart defect and take away on the pain. I couldn't imagine this perfect little baby going through so much in such a short time on earth.

Shanna girl hours after birth

The first time I got to hold her before she went to the NICU

2 days old and beautiful

My little warrior princess

One thing I have never regretted, is all the snuggling and cuddling I did with that sweet ltitle baby. I often fell asleep with her tiny body on my chest. When we'd wake up, her little head would bob around trying ever so hard to look at me. I still remember the sounds she would make, and I'm so terrified to forget it.

Snuggles in the hospital

My favorite thing to do, hold my Shanna 

Carter had such a strong bond with his little sister, ever since the first day he met her. He loved her whole heartedly. It still breaks my heart when he asks why she had to leave, and when she'll be back again. Every so often in his prayers, he asks his Heavenly Father to bring his baby sister back. The morning she passed away, he didn't care where Jason and I were. He only wanted to know where his Shanna girl was.

Oh my heart

So proud of his little sister

As I look at pictures, as I recall memories, as I think of my precious baby, I can't help but think about the plan of salvation. How could a loving God be so cruel as to take away my baby girl and never let me see her again? I don't believe it! Family relationships are everything in this life. The relationships we have here are never meant to end at death, but will continue to the next life and for eternity. I believe that with all my heart and know that I will see her again. I just have to endure this time on earth with out her.

Moments before going home

Losing all of my little girls has helped me see things in a different light. I may not have the opportunity to raise my girls here on earth, but I do have a sweet little boy that I've been a mother to for 4 years. There are times I complain, there are times I get frustrated, but then I am reminded that I am so blessed to have him. I need to love him with all of my heart, all the time. I need to remember that he's just a child and there are many things he doesn't yet understand. Sometimes I am so scared that he will be taken away from me too. I often think about how I am showing him love, and how I am showing him that he is the most important to me. I hope with all my heart, that he will always know, with out a doubt, that his mommy loves him.

He melts my heart. 

My favorite pic of Carter and I 

It's only been a year with out her, and I have a lifetime of years to go. Thank you to all my wonderful friends who checked up on me today. Thank you for keeping my mind busy, distracting me, and sending me rays of sunshine in the form of cards, flowers, and gifts. What you may have thought was something simple, it was a huge thing for me. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for helping me through this very difficult time!

My bright eyed beautiful girl

Just hanging out

Milk drunk  <3

A Family Get Away

What a great week it has been! We were able to go on a family trip to get some fresh air and new scenery. We had a lot of fun, and now have tons of memories to look back on. We left last Friday morning and came home yesterday, back to reality and life as we know it. Sometimes I wish vacations could last forever! They always go by so fast!

Friday we arrived at our camp site at the Grand Teton National Forest. We had a sweet set up with not having to bring a tent. Something called a tent cabin was all set up and waiting for us. We stayed there until Sunday morning, and we had a blast. Carter and Jason got to swim at the lake (while I got to watch), we all went to a fish hatchery, and we even got to check out Jackson Hole for the first time ever. It's a really neat mountain town in Wyoming, and it's super expensive. That's probably because they get a ton of visitors, lots of tourists.

Carter being silly on our long drive. 

My cute little boy 

Our little family at one of the stops on the way 

Carter at the swim beach. 

After dinner, it got cold. 

Jackson Hole antler arch

Carter found a moose!

At the swim beach. 

My boys, and the view!

Our camping trip was great, and I was a little sad to have to share my cute little family with more family. But it turned out to be awesome and I love visiting my cousin! When we got to Idaho Falls we discovered a super cool park, ate a pic nic lunch, and then got super wet in the water (at least Carter did ha ha). The next few days consisted of visiting Rexburg/BYU Idaho (our old stomping grounds), eating frozen yogurt and Italian ice, loving on some cute kiddos, late nights of playing games, having a birthday party, a fourth of July parade, and watching an awesome firework show. All in all we had a super good time!

Jason, just chillin in the park. 

Carter, not looking at the camera, little stinker

Carter and daddy checking out the park. 

Carter playing with the birthday boy 

Parade time! Carter didn't want to take a picture. 

Photo bomber!

Carter isn't a fan of loud noises. That's what parades are made of.

My cousin! She's awesome!

I was hoping for a little relief from the grief of losing our sweet girls. Of course there were fleeting moments when I wasn't thinking about how much our life has changed in just one year, but those moments were tender mercies for me. To just feel normal for even a second can be a huge relief. It's the nights that are the most hard for me. My mind is always racing, thinking about the day we met our little girls, and the days we had to say goodbye. Shanna popped into my head a lot too, while we were in Idaho. Last year we had her with us. We never would have thought she'd be called to her Heavenly home only days later. This time of year will always be so hard for me.

Visiting family, and being able to focus on them and their lives helped a ton. Isn't it funny how focusing on someone else helps us forget about ourselves? If you've never tried it, you should. It's therapy for the body, mind, and soul. Speaking of focusing on others, we were able to have a great experience today. Random Acts helped us out so much before, when we thought we would be taking our baby girls home. They gave us the opportunity to help other people and donate all the items that were given to us, to Intermountain Healing Hearts. We've been able to be a part of giving those items to families who really need them. We've been given so much, as compete strangers have reached out to us and have given us strength during this hard time in our lives. Thank you to all those inspiring people! Thank you for all the prayers that have been said on our behave as well. We have felt so much love!

Until We Meet Again

Today we laid our 4 beautiful girls down to rest, with their big sister Shanna. We felt so loved by all those who came to support us through this difficult day. It was something we never wanted to do again, but friends and family make life so much easier to live through. We have been so touched by everything we've received. We've felt prayers and inspired words to help lift us during our darkest days. How could we ever thank you enough?

Our little girls were buried with their big sister Shanna 

The morning started out pretty hard. We were not planning on dressing our girls, and felt like a silent goodbye would be the easiest for us. After receiving a phone call from the funeral home, we learned that our sweet little Kylie did not have a dress; so we made plans to arrive early and hold our little angels one last time. As soon as I saw my miracle babies, the tears started to flow. They looked just as they had when it was time to let them go. As I held each little girl in my arms, my heart shattered a little more. Was this really happening? Was I really doing this again? I'm so thankful Jason was there with me, or I don't think I could have snapped back into reality. I would have stayed there in that room, wishing with all that I was, that this was just a dream.

We were late getting to the cemetery, and were greeted with saddened eyes and familiar faces who had been in that same place only 11 months ago. I felt as if I should apologize to everyone for making them hurt for us yet again. In so many ways I've felt like I let everyone down. I was supposed to share my little girls with everyone. So many individuals offered help, feeding shifts in the middle of the night, baby sitting, house cleaning and so much more. While standing there I felt so empty handed, so sad that I could not share happy news about our sweet girls. The words said and the sound sung somehow brought peace to my wounded heart. Death is never an ending, it is only a part of a glorious plan for all of us. One day, we will hold our babies again, and they will have perfect bodies. We will have the chance to love and raise them in the eternities.

Us with carter's great grandma and grandpa

Us with Carter's grandma and grandpa

This ltitle boy is our everything

The three musketeers!

After the services at the cemetery, we headed to the church for a much needed social gathering with wonderful friends, neighbors, and family members. I was so touched by all those who came! I could not believe how many people came to show us so much love. The church was decorated so beautifully, our little family is so blessed to have such wonderful support.

A display we had at the luncheon

We love our little girls <3

The rest of our day was filled with cousins playing, shopping, sitting around talking, and eventually 3 naked kiddos who just ran in the sprinklers and decided to go skinny dipping in the kiddy pool. Life is a funny thing...it goes from was to happy in seconds. There is so much good in the world and so much to be thankful for, how can you help but not smile? Thank you for all the thoughts, prayers, gifts, and words of encouragement! Everyone has said we are so strong for all that we've been through. I believe we are only strong because we have angels here in the form of friends and family. We are only able to handle life's greatest trails, because we've been given all of you! Thank you!

The naked kiddos after Carmen got dried off and dressed

 P.S. Huge shout out to Tiffanie White who took all of these amazing pictures (minus the naked kiddos lol)! She is a very talented photographer!

Heaven's Hands

My little angel girls have been gone for a week now. My heart aches in a way I have never experienced before. Four times the happiness, and four times the sadness that will haunt me for the rest of my life. For those of you who have been following our story, we unexpectedly welcomed 4 baby girls at the gestational age of 23 weeks. We hoped and prayed for more time for them to grow inside of me, but for reasons we may never understand, they came down to earth at this time. To describe the last week; a nightmare we could not wake up from.

One of my fave pictures of Christ

Sunday morning around 2 am, I started having regular contractions. At first I thought they were just Braxton hicks, but with in 20 minutes they got stronger and more regular. I was in a little bit of a panic, so I drank a a ton of water and let Jason know what was going on. I got up to go to the bathroom, and blood was everywhere. My heart sank and I prayed that everything would be ok.

After telling Jason we needed to get to the hospital now, we hurried, made sure Carter was safe and secure with someone coming over to be with him, and drove like two very scared people to labor and delivery. We had no idea that 2 hours later we would meet our tiny little girls.

Once we heard everything went great after delivery, I had a feeling of hope that everything would be ok. I thought, "we're going to see some amazing miracles, and these little girls are going to make it!" How could anything go wrong when you have the power of prayer and so many prayers had been answered? I never thought in a million years that these thoughts would be too optimistic.

After they got me all stitched up and cleaned up, I was able to go with jason to see our precious miracles. As soon as I laid eyes on them I fell in love. They were beautiful, freshly from heaven, and I could not help but think how amazing it is to be a parent and to be entrusted with such special gifts from heaven. It was hard to see them with all their attachments, but what a blessing modern medicine is! We were able to meet, and spend a little bit of time with our little angels.

Everything seems like a blur from that moment on. Eventually we made it down to my hospital room, got to spend some time with Carter (he was even able to take a peek at his little sisters), and then the phone rang. The first of many phone calls we would hate to answer. My heart sank when we were told kylie was not doing well and we needed to go to the bedside asap. Her oxygen saturation had dropped dramatically, and her heart had stopped for 7 or 8 minutes. I prayed the whole way up to the NICU that everything would be ok with my sweet little Kylie. That night we did witness a miracle as I held her and her saturation went back to where it needed to be. I will forever cherish those moments; we were given hope, and I was able to hold my baby girl.

We went back to our room after a while. We didn't end up going to bed until 1 am the next morning.  I was so exhausted from the days events. The awful events that would take place only hours later never entered my mind. I had faith and hope that everything was going to be ok.

At 5 am that dreaded phone rang and we were asked to come to Kylie's bedside again, as soon as we were possibly able. Kylie was going down hill, and going down hill fast. We went into a separate room with the doctors to discuss Kylie's condition. She had major stage 4 bleeding in her brain and if we kept moving forward with her care, her quality of life would be non-existent. She would be a vegetable. The doctors told us it was time to say goodbye.

After our discussion in the conference room, they prepared kylie to be taken into another room where we could spent some time together and release her from the state that she was in. I felt like I was in a nightmare and I could not wake up from it no matter how hard I tried. Holding my precious little baby girl while she passed away in my arms was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To let her go back to where she came from, and not be selfish to keep her on this earth to be with me.

The rest of the day was super hard. That tiny ltitle lady made a huge hole in my heart. However, I was so optimistic that her sisters would make it. That kylie would be able to give them strength from the other side of the veil. Kylie could be there guardian angel. Ellie was doing the best, but there was still hope for all of them.

Tuesday morning we were yet again woken up by the ringing of our phone. I started crying instantly as we were told Ellie had taken a turn for the worse, and we would need to come and say goodbye. I couldn't believe we were living the same moments we did only hours earlier. Ellie had bleeding in her lungs. Her oxygen saturation was not where it needed to be and had been so low for several hours. She was suffering and we needed to make the decision to send her back to her Heavenly home or let her live for a little while longer, waiting for the inevitable. Ellie was our shining star. How could such hope be instant despair? My heart was shattered into a million pieces again, and the hole Kylie left became twice as big.

The rest of our Tuesday was better. We avoided our room so as not to hear the phone ring again. Eventually the exhaustion of the last two days hit us, and we both took a nap.

Wednesday was the best day we had at the hospital. We were given a tender mercy and that awful phone didn't ring. We had wonderful friends who came to see us, and again we were blessed with hope that our two girls would make it. We were weary of the long road ahead, but thought we would be blessed to raise Savanna and Lexi. I felt like everything was going to be ok.

Our hope was ripped away on Thursday when the dreaded phone rang at 6:30am. Our baby girls had made it through the night. They had lived through 72 hours, but were not looking as good as we hoped. Both girls had stage 4 brain bleeding in their brain. It was now in the tissue which meant the effects of the bleeding would be irreversible. Savanna and Lexi would be brain dead and live the life of their older sister Kylie if we were to continue to treat them. Medically they would be alive, but how selfish we would be to give them a life of no quality. I could not stand the thought of letting my sweet babies suffer.

Those last hours of being with our daughters, were the hardest moments I had yet to experience. To have all those hopes and dreams of being a mother to 4 beautiful little girls disintegrate in 3 days, was the most heart wrenching. How could this have happened? Was I still in this never ending nightmare that I could only hope I would wake up from soon? How were we to go home empty handed? How could we live with out our little girls? How could we tell Carter that his baby sisters all went to heaven to be with Shanna and Heavenly Father?

I was discharged from the hospital the next morning, and we made our way back to our home. That was the longest and hardest drive to make. Jason and I were in our van that seemed even bigger than it did before. Completely empty, missing all 6 of our beautiful children (Carter was still with his cousins).

Carter loved being with his cousins 

When we arrived home, we were greeted with beautiful paper hearts, filled with messages of encouragement and love. Our cupboards were over flowing with food, and our house was the cleanest it had been in a very long time. I could not help but be overwhelmed with love. We have had so many people, even compete strangers, reach out to help lift us up. We have been smothered with the good in this world and as we continue on our journey of healing, we know we will never be alone. I can never even begin to express the gratitude we have to know all of you! Everything is going to be ok! We will grow from these great experiences. God has a plan for all of us, even our sweet little angels; and He has given us each other to make it through this life. Thank you for all your love, support, and prayers!

Heat attacked with love. 

Wow!

What a crazy couple of weeks it has been! I'm am super happy to report, no bed rest for this girl yet! Although, I feel it might be coming soon. I'm not so sure my body can stretch much further than it already has. We have seen so many miracles, so many people reach out to us, and have felt more loved than ever! There is so much good in the world!

Well, to update you on what's been happening... my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary! We were able to be a part of it, and loved seeing them enjoy the wonderful reception their children put together. I was able to try out my vinyl skills for the first time, and made them a sign. I actually enjoyed doing it, although it freaked me out. I'm terrible at remembering to take pictures, so I don't have any of the big party, but below is the sign
I made for decoration.

I added hearts to it a little later

My grandma and grandpa's house. View from the awesome tree house they built. 

I was 21 weeks and drove 7 hours to be there for their anniversary

Carter is growing up so fast, and loving life in Utah. Everyday he's outside riding bikes with the neighborhood kids or begging to go to a friend's house. With the weather heating up quite nicely, we have gone to the pool, splash pad, thanksgiving point, and have tried to be outside as much as possible. Every time I look at Carter or have a conversation about what we did for the day, he seems to be another year older. I've always been told to cherish the time I have with him while he's little, but no matter how much I do cherish the time, I end up just wanting more. I wish he could be little for just a while longer.

Carter at the splash pad

Carter at our neighborhood bbq. Getting wet was not in the plans. 

Carter with his cousin at the pool

Grandma was there too!

Riding ponies at Thanksgiving point

More adventures at Thanksgiving point

My little buddy is growing up!

The girls are doing great! No bed rest for this girl yet!!! Every appointment we've come out with a zillion ultrasound pictures and a smile on our faces. We are getting more and more anxious to meet them (hoping at the 32 week mark). We still have yet to agree on names, and sometimes I'm afraid they'll just always be baby A,B,C and D. Eventually they'll have names right? If you have any ideas for names, please share!

22 weeks! Only 10 left to go!

Jason and I celebrated 7 years of being hitched, on June 5th. Sometimes I find it hard to believe we've been married that long, and can't believe everything we have gone through together. Jason is the most amazing father and husband,  I'm so glad I have him for eternity!!! We celebrated with our usual Cheesecake Factory dinner and dessert. Then on our actual anniversary we celebrated with an unofficial ward FHE, watching the season finally of Random Acts and relived the wonderful generous acts of compete strangers. It was all because of my friend Monique, and she'll never know how much she changed our lives. I feel like I don't deserve as much love and kindness as I have received from my amazing friends and family.

Cheesecake Factory selfie 

Dessert was amazing!

This weekend was a pretty big weekend in the Osborn household. It started out with the annual nestle 5k fun run, and ended with a new honorary member of the fam. We had so much fun at the 5k race! Don't worry, I didn't run or walk it, but Carter had a blast going with his grandma! We thought for sure my sister (hoping to have a baby any day) would go into labor. With no such luck we ended up with a gift card to Dennys and a case of nestle water. Then it was off to go car hunting for us. After looking at some very nice Honda oddesey vans, and getting a little discouraged on how much vans and SUVs cost, we found ourselves at Brent Brown Toyota in Orem. There, Brent Weiss (a new member of the Brent Brown team) showed us a deal we could not pass up. We bit the bullet and became van owners. Not so sure I'm happy about that part, but all we need for our sweet little quads are clothes! No more worrying about how we're going to get them around.

Carter with grandma ready for the race

The gang at the race minus siehara, Andres, and Carmen

Our new van. 

Well, the rest of the weeks we have left as a family of 3, are hopefully going to be lived to the fullest! I'll keep you updated on our little girls and our adventures ahead. Until then, happy reading!