Sometimes I find myself stuck in the past. So much hurt and loss to remember. I have always marveled at the way our past can shape us. The past never really goes away and becomes a part of us each step of this journey we call life. It's really up to us to choose what we want to do with our past too. We can choose to embrace it, hate it, love it enough to want to go back, or just plain not care. Each of our actions are driven by the past we've lived. It is so connected to who we are deep down in our very souls. This week, and every hard anniversary, I am reminded of the past and what I have learned because of it.
I never thought I would treasure the sound of a crying baby. Now don't get me wrong, it doesn't make me happy when a sweet little human being has their world unraveled and can only communicate through crying; but I never thought the absence of that would be so unnerving. 3 years ago, I had the experience of not hearing a cry. At first I didn't notice it, but then I realized that the absence of that cry meant that a very hard road was ahead.
I'll never forget that night before my sweet quadruplets came. I'll never forget those feelings as I lay there hoping that they would all be OK, and that months from that moment, they would all be in my arms happy and healthy. I never thought I would have to go through the experience of saying goodbye to more of my children.
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| I can't believe they would be 3! |
I feel like this blog is never what I meant for it to be. I wanted to share our happy adventures, I wanted a place to share all my experiences, and somehow change the way a person thought about how beautiful this life is. I never imagined writing about my grueling experience with brain tumors, infertility, the death of 5 children, and suddenly falling into the trap of only sharing darkness. Those pieces of darkness are part of me, but they've always helped me see the light and the silver lining. While I never got to experience of hearing my girls cry for the first time, or ever, now when my children do cry...I don't always look at it as an annoyance, but as a blessing. They are alive. I can hear them, and I get to be their mother! I get to love and care for them.
There's been a lot of past in the news lately. The sad notion our country once had of skin color playing the very factor of changing our thoughts that we are not equal. The awful reality of some individuals still making the same mistakes. The past can come back to haunt us, but every action we take is our choice! Everyone has a story no matter their race.
Present
Is there ever really a present? Many times I find myself thinking about the past and future, but there are only fleeting moments where I catch myself in the present. I remember, 3 years ago, I wanted more than anything for the present to become my past. I didn't want to live in the present anymore, because it hurt too much. Every morning that phone in my hospital room rang, I wanted to chuck it out the window. My prayers changed from help my girls to make it through this, to please help me with all this awful hurt.
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| My handsome boys at Kings Canyon National Park |
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| Hanging out in the cold. |
The present however, can be a wonderful time to reflect on the past and commit to making things better. To loving more, showing more kindness, more patience, and always reaching for the better. I find myself in the present when I'm holding and comforting a crying child. When my 7 year old boy asks ME to play with him. When suddenly I realize I can be that car that pays for the people behind me.
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| COVID buddies |
The present in our country can be very scarey at times, and very disheartening. The thing we need to realize is that we are all in this together. No matter our skin color, no matter our race, we are the human family trying to navigate through all the challenges that the present can bring. You would think a crazy pandemic would do that to a nation, but here we are with still so much hate and anger. Hate and anger will change nothing for the better! Things will only change and get better if we love each other.
Future
No one can predict the future. We can only hope that it will be brighter than our past. Especially for our precious children. My little baby daughters, all 5 of them, are in my future. I know it, and that is what pushes me forward each day. I never got to raise them here on earth, but once I leave, I know that if I've done my very best they will be waiting for me.
I know I'm not the only one with a hard past, that has shaped my present, and changed the way I see the future. We can never know of all the painful things someone has been through, and it is because of that we need to love everyone more than ever. Your excuse for how you are could be your past, but why not make it why you try a little harder, love a little more, and trust that you're changing a tiny part of your world. You have it in yourself and only yourself to do what's right and hope others will follow suit. Protesting, angry yelling, looting, and saying hateful things toward others, is only going to make it worse. I hope you will band with me in making the world a better place! Instead of being quick to judge, and quick to tell your part of the story; let's strive to listen and remember that we all have a story. Happy reading, happy serving, happy caring!
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| My Beautiful little girl |
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| Our awesome little man |
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| My whole world <3 |
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