1 Year Ago

I think this is the 27th post I've started since I last wrote about our adventures. Life has a funny way of getting in the way. This is an especially hard time of year for our little family. It's only been a year since we went through so much. It seems as if it's already been a lifetime. It breaks my heart to know I have far more years to yet endure. 

We celebrated their birthday with a pic nic by their grave 

There they go! Happy birthday sweet angels!

My heart has been raw and broken from the events that unfolded one year ago. It is always so hard to reach an anniversary of losing a child. One year ago...I lost 4. One year ago, we drove home from a very hard long week in the hospital. One year ago, my heart was shattered into more pieces than I ever thought possible. As we drove home in an empty van, I tried to look forward with a brave face but could only think of all our loved ones and friends that I let down. I was so excited to share my 4 rainbow babies with the incredibly loving people in my life, only to come home with empty arms.

Our Ellie girl. She loved to put her fingers in her mouth. Or sweet tiny baby already had such a fun personality. I can't wait to have the opportunity to raise and get to know this sweet girl of mine!

Baby B, our lovely Savannah. She was the smallest of them all. This fiesty little girl didn't want to give up. We were blessed to help take care of her with the nurses on the last day she lived. 

Baby A, kylie. She was the first one to come and the first one to be called home. I will always remember the night I got to hold her and watch her numbers go up. We saw miracles that night, but heavenly father needed her home more than we needed her here. 

Oh Lexi girl! She fought until the very end too. I think she would have been a huge strength to her sisters. She is our baby D. Last one out and last one to say goodbye. Our beautiful Lexi wanted to stay with us as long as she could. I cannot wait to hold and love on her again. 

As we drove down our street my eyes were again clouded by tears as I saw pink ribbons lining our street. As we pulled into our driveway and opened the garage door, hundreds of hearts were plastered all over the walls and hanging from the rafters above. In those moments the pain didn't go away but I felt so much love from our neighbors and friends. I hope they know the strength they gave me to keep going. To not give up.

I still feel as if we let all these people down. I hope one day they will be able to celebrate with us as we bring a baby home some day. 

So many hearts. So many messages of hope. 

Those messages are still there. 

Thank you for your love!

This week has been super hard for me. While I didn't want to remember the events, I also was so afraid they'd be forgotten. My 4 sweet angels made a big impact on so many people, yet soon after they passed away, my world completely stopped while the rest of the world kept going.
In all of our hard times, we have been blessed so much! I guess the lord has more in store for us. Jason was offered a promotion with his job, but it no longer allows us to stay here in Utah. We will be moving to California in a short while and with how fast the days and weeks are going, our time here will end quickly. There is so much of us here, this will probably be the most difficult move we've ever made. In 8 years of being married, this will be our 10th move. We've met so many wonderful people with each move, but with all we've been through here.. I feel as though we're leaving family.