I've started this post at least a thousand times now. I have had so many thoughts and so many emotions, but have been too busy to make the time to write much. I've been blown away by the good in this world. There have been so many wonderful people who have reached out to us still, 2 almost 3 months since we lost our baby girls. Compete strangers have given me the strength to live another day, and keep pushing forward. My heart breaks for those who are going through something similar. Never in a million years would I want anyone to experience the loss of a child.
I went to primary children's hospital today. A place I never really wanted to revisit. I had volunteered to redecorate a bulletin board in the cardiac ICU, and never thought I would be walking out of there again with tears streaming down my face. I just couldn't hold it in any longer, and felt as if I was leaving the hospital empty handed yet again.
This is my favorite picture. It is the background on my phone, and I look at it everyday...every time I see it, I'm reminded of the beautiful relationship my sweet little boy had with his beautiful little sister. They loved each other, and Carter was smitten with her. I hope he remembers her, and never forgets that he met her.
I remember, days before we said goodbye, Carter had a cough. We weren't sure how strong Shanna's immune system was with the chromosome deletion syndrome she had, and often told Carter not to touch his little sister. Thinking about it now, it breaks my heart. I feel as though I took away precious moments and memories Carter could have had with his sister. Some times I like to imagine, when I have hard nights when I miss her so much, she's with me. I hope Carter feels her near.
When I think about Carter and Shanna, my mind then thinks of Kylie, Savanah, Ellie, and Lexi. What would their relationship have been like if only we were able to have those sweet girls a little longer? I know Carter would have adored each one, and would have wanted every one to see his sisters. Just like he wanted every one to see his Shanna girl. He was so proud of her. I hope when we are reunited in heaven, even though Carter will have his own family, I hope he is given the opportunity to love on his sisters and get to know them.
I don't mean to be sad and depressing. The nights are just so hard for me. This is the time I ache for all of my 6 children to be together. To see each of them learn and grow together. To have their own memories of family vacations, of family parties,and reunions. I want to sit and reminisce about their baby days and childhood. To share precious moments and write all the crazy things they said, or things they taught me in moments of weakness. I want so badly to have my babies with me now. I guess all the wishing and wanting doesn't make it come to pass, and doesn't help my aching heart. I have been given hope through my savior however, that I will have them again some day.
I am the luckiest mom in the world, and I think I need to realize that more often. I have a sweet, handsome, funny, adorable little boy who makes my heart smile everyday! Everyday he's growing a little older, and everyday I am creating memories with him! He is my everything. He gives me so much strength. It's just fine that he's my only child here on earth, and having him is more than many people have our will ever have. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for sending me angels. Carter is the greatest I've been given.
Here are some pictures of our latest adventures! I hope you enjoy them, and know that we are given so much love everyday!
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| Our cut little man with his little puppy |
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| My silly boy hanging upside down |
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| We got a temporary head stone for our quad girls |
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| Jason finished a spartan with stone good friends |
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| My spartan warrior |
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| Carter and his cousin who will be moving soon |
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| Hot BYU football game |
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| He's getting so good at riding his bike |
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| We've been going on bike rides, carter's new favorite thing |
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| Going on fair rides |
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| First monster truck rally for all of us |
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| We've been learning how to take care of roses |
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| Another spartan pic |
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| Carter did awesome with swim lessons! |
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| Love my boys |
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| Hanging out outside |
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| Lots of watermelon eating 😊 |
I am in awe of how incredibly brave you are. I'm so certain the way you candidly share your story gives comfort to other Mamas whose babies are now angels ��. Thank you for sharing and God Bless xo
ReplyDeleteHi there, I know I'm a total stranger to you but have been touched by your story. I am also LDS in Colorado, and lost one of my identical twin girls in 1998. One thing that helped me, besides the knowledge of Heavenly Father's plan and knowing that I will have the opportunity to raise my daughter one day,is an online support network called CLIMB. It stands for the Center for Loss in Multiple Birth. Back in the day, it was less online than it is now, they would mail out quarterly newsletters full of stories and poems and support. Now you can find them on Facebook as well as at their website www.climb-support.org I am so very sorry you lost your beautiful 5 girls and hope I have not overstepped any boundary. I just wanted to share in case it might help you.
ReplyDeleteHi Jason & Clarissa, I am a pure stranger to you but my heart aches for you both and for Carter as well in the loss of your 5 precious little angels. I am a mother and a grandmother and I lost 2 little boys when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant and the other at 8 months pregnant a number of years ago and there is not a day goes by that I dont think of them especially on their birthdays. It is hard but I take solace in knowing that I have special little angels in heaven watching over me, my other children and now my grand children. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers that the Lord continues to give you the strength to keep moving on for that precious little boy of yours. There will be days that you may need to take it an hour at a time and that is ok. Lean on your family , your friends, and even stranger close and afar as we are ALL here for you. If ever you just feel the need to talk with someone or to vent, be sure and reach out as there will ALWAYS be someone willing to loan a shoulder for you to cry on, an ear to listen to what you have or need to say and even arms to hold you close and give you a much needed hug. Feel free to add me as a friend on Facebook if you would like to as I would be more then happy to have you as a friend...I will private msg you with this info. I will close with saying, you are not nor will you ever be alone...hugs and much love going to all of you....Brenda
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