Until We Meet Again

Today we laid our 4 beautiful girls down to rest, with their big sister Shanna. We felt so loved by all those who came to support us through this difficult day. It was something we never wanted to do again, but friends and family make life so much easier to live through. We have been so touched by everything we've received. We've felt prayers and inspired words to help lift us during our darkest days. How could we ever thank you enough?

Our little girls were buried with their big sister Shanna 

The morning started out pretty hard. We were not planning on dressing our girls, and felt like a silent goodbye would be the easiest for us. After receiving a phone call from the funeral home, we learned that our sweet little Kylie did not have a dress; so we made plans to arrive early and hold our little angels one last time. As soon as I saw my miracle babies, the tears started to flow. They looked just as they had when it was time to let them go. As I held each little girl in my arms, my heart shattered a little more. Was this really happening? Was I really doing this again? I'm so thankful Jason was there with me, or I don't think I could have snapped back into reality. I would have stayed there in that room, wishing with all that I was, that this was just a dream.

We were late getting to the cemetery, and were greeted with saddened eyes and familiar faces who had been in that same place only 11 months ago. I felt as if I should apologize to everyone for making them hurt for us yet again. In so many ways I've felt like I let everyone down. I was supposed to share my little girls with everyone. So many individuals offered help, feeding shifts in the middle of the night, baby sitting, house cleaning and so much more. While standing there I felt so empty handed, so sad that I could not share happy news about our sweet girls. The words said and the sound sung somehow brought peace to my wounded heart. Death is never an ending, it is only a part of a glorious plan for all of us. One day, we will hold our babies again, and they will have perfect bodies. We will have the chance to love and raise them in the eternities.

Us with carter's great grandma and grandpa

Us with Carter's grandma and grandpa

This ltitle boy is our everything

The three musketeers!

After the services at the cemetery, we headed to the church for a much needed social gathering with wonderful friends, neighbors, and family members. I was so touched by all those who came! I could not believe how many people came to show us so much love. The church was decorated so beautifully, our little family is so blessed to have such wonderful support.

A display we had at the luncheon

We love our little girls <3

The rest of our day was filled with cousins playing, shopping, sitting around talking, and eventually 3 naked kiddos who just ran in the sprinklers and decided to go skinny dipping in the kiddy pool. Life is a funny thing...it goes from was to happy in seconds. There is so much good in the world and so much to be thankful for, how can you help but not smile? Thank you for all the thoughts, prayers, gifts, and words of encouragement! Everyone has said we are so strong for all that we've been through. I believe we are only strong because we have angels here in the form of friends and family. We are only able to handle life's greatest trails, because we've been given all of you! Thank you!

The naked kiddos after Carmen got dried off and dressed

 P.S. Huge shout out to Tiffanie White who took all of these amazing pictures (minus the naked kiddos lol)! She is a very talented photographer!

Heaven's Hands

My little angel girls have been gone for a week now. My heart aches in a way I have never experienced before. Four times the happiness, and four times the sadness that will haunt me for the rest of my life. For those of you who have been following our story, we unexpectedly welcomed 4 baby girls at the gestational age of 23 weeks. We hoped and prayed for more time for them to grow inside of me, but for reasons we may never understand, they came down to earth at this time. To describe the last week; a nightmare we could not wake up from.

One of my fave pictures of Christ

Sunday morning around 2 am, I started having regular contractions. At first I thought they were just Braxton hicks, but with in 20 minutes they got stronger and more regular. I was in a little bit of a panic, so I drank a a ton of water and let Jason know what was going on. I got up to go to the bathroom, and blood was everywhere. My heart sank and I prayed that everything would be ok.

After telling Jason we needed to get to the hospital now, we hurried, made sure Carter was safe and secure with someone coming over to be with him, and drove like two very scared people to labor and delivery. We had no idea that 2 hours later we would meet our tiny little girls.

Once we heard everything went great after delivery, I had a feeling of hope that everything would be ok. I thought, "we're going to see some amazing miracles, and these little girls are going to make it!" How could anything go wrong when you have the power of prayer and so many prayers had been answered? I never thought in a million years that these thoughts would be too optimistic.

After they got me all stitched up and cleaned up, I was able to go with jason to see our precious miracles. As soon as I laid eyes on them I fell in love. They were beautiful, freshly from heaven, and I could not help but think how amazing it is to be a parent and to be entrusted with such special gifts from heaven. It was hard to see them with all their attachments, but what a blessing modern medicine is! We were able to meet, and spend a little bit of time with our little angels.

Everything seems like a blur from that moment on. Eventually we made it down to my hospital room, got to spend some time with Carter (he was even able to take a peek at his little sisters), and then the phone rang. The first of many phone calls we would hate to answer. My heart sank when we were told kylie was not doing well and we needed to go to the bedside asap. Her oxygen saturation had dropped dramatically, and her heart had stopped for 7 or 8 minutes. I prayed the whole way up to the NICU that everything would be ok with my sweet little Kylie. That night we did witness a miracle as I held her and her saturation went back to where it needed to be. I will forever cherish those moments; we were given hope, and I was able to hold my baby girl.

We went back to our room after a while. We didn't end up going to bed until 1 am the next morning.  I was so exhausted from the days events. The awful events that would take place only hours later never entered my mind. I had faith and hope that everything was going to be ok.

At 5 am that dreaded phone rang and we were asked to come to Kylie's bedside again, as soon as we were possibly able. Kylie was going down hill, and going down hill fast. We went into a separate room with the doctors to discuss Kylie's condition. She had major stage 4 bleeding in her brain and if we kept moving forward with her care, her quality of life would be non-existent. She would be a vegetable. The doctors told us it was time to say goodbye.

After our discussion in the conference room, they prepared kylie to be taken into another room where we could spent some time together and release her from the state that she was in. I felt like I was in a nightmare and I could not wake up from it no matter how hard I tried. Holding my precious little baby girl while she passed away in my arms was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To let her go back to where she came from, and not be selfish to keep her on this earth to be with me.

The rest of the day was super hard. That tiny ltitle lady made a huge hole in my heart. However, I was so optimistic that her sisters would make it. That kylie would be able to give them strength from the other side of the veil. Kylie could be there guardian angel. Ellie was doing the best, but there was still hope for all of them.

Tuesday morning we were yet again woken up by the ringing of our phone. I started crying instantly as we were told Ellie had taken a turn for the worse, and we would need to come and say goodbye. I couldn't believe we were living the same moments we did only hours earlier. Ellie had bleeding in her lungs. Her oxygen saturation was not where it needed to be and had been so low for several hours. She was suffering and we needed to make the decision to send her back to her Heavenly home or let her live for a little while longer, waiting for the inevitable. Ellie was our shining star. How could such hope be instant despair? My heart was shattered into a million pieces again, and the hole Kylie left became twice as big.

The rest of our Tuesday was better. We avoided our room so as not to hear the phone ring again. Eventually the exhaustion of the last two days hit us, and we both took a nap.

Wednesday was the best day we had at the hospital. We were given a tender mercy and that awful phone didn't ring. We had wonderful friends who came to see us, and again we were blessed with hope that our two girls would make it. We were weary of the long road ahead, but thought we would be blessed to raise Savanna and Lexi. I felt like everything was going to be ok.

Our hope was ripped away on Thursday when the dreaded phone rang at 6:30am. Our baby girls had made it through the night. They had lived through 72 hours, but were not looking as good as we hoped. Both girls had stage 4 brain bleeding in their brain. It was now in the tissue which meant the effects of the bleeding would be irreversible. Savanna and Lexi would be brain dead and live the life of their older sister Kylie if we were to continue to treat them. Medically they would be alive, but how selfish we would be to give them a life of no quality. I could not stand the thought of letting my sweet babies suffer.

Those last hours of being with our daughters, were the hardest moments I had yet to experience. To have all those hopes and dreams of being a mother to 4 beautiful little girls disintegrate in 3 days, was the most heart wrenching. How could this have happened? Was I still in this never ending nightmare that I could only hope I would wake up from soon? How were we to go home empty handed? How could we live with out our little girls? How could we tell Carter that his baby sisters all went to heaven to be with Shanna and Heavenly Father?

I was discharged from the hospital the next morning, and we made our way back to our home. That was the longest and hardest drive to make. Jason and I were in our van that seemed even bigger than it did before. Completely empty, missing all 6 of our beautiful children (Carter was still with his cousins).

Carter loved being with his cousins 

When we arrived home, we were greeted with beautiful paper hearts, filled with messages of encouragement and love. Our cupboards were over flowing with food, and our house was the cleanest it had been in a very long time. I could not help but be overwhelmed with love. We have had so many people, even compete strangers, reach out to help lift us up. We have been smothered with the good in this world and as we continue on our journey of healing, we know we will never be alone. I can never even begin to express the gratitude we have to know all of you! Everything is going to be ok! We will grow from these great experiences. God has a plan for all of us, even our sweet little angels; and He has given us each other to make it through this life. Thank you for all your love, support, and prayers!

Heat attacked with love. 

Wow!

What a crazy couple of weeks it has been! I'm am super happy to report, no bed rest for this girl yet! Although, I feel it might be coming soon. I'm not so sure my body can stretch much further than it already has. We have seen so many miracles, so many people reach out to us, and have felt more loved than ever! There is so much good in the world!

Well, to update you on what's been happening... my grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary! We were able to be a part of it, and loved seeing them enjoy the wonderful reception their children put together. I was able to try out my vinyl skills for the first time, and made them a sign. I actually enjoyed doing it, although it freaked me out. I'm terrible at remembering to take pictures, so I don't have any of the big party, but below is the sign
I made for decoration.

I added hearts to it a little later

My grandma and grandpa's house. View from the awesome tree house they built. 

I was 21 weeks and drove 7 hours to be there for their anniversary

Carter is growing up so fast, and loving life in Utah. Everyday he's outside riding bikes with the neighborhood kids or begging to go to a friend's house. With the weather heating up quite nicely, we have gone to the pool, splash pad, thanksgiving point, and have tried to be outside as much as possible. Every time I look at Carter or have a conversation about what we did for the day, he seems to be another year older. I've always been told to cherish the time I have with him while he's little, but no matter how much I do cherish the time, I end up just wanting more. I wish he could be little for just a while longer.

Carter at the splash pad

Carter at our neighborhood bbq. Getting wet was not in the plans. 

Carter with his cousin at the pool

Grandma was there too!

Riding ponies at Thanksgiving point

More adventures at Thanksgiving point

My little buddy is growing up!

The girls are doing great! No bed rest for this girl yet!!! Every appointment we've come out with a zillion ultrasound pictures and a smile on our faces. We are getting more and more anxious to meet them (hoping at the 32 week mark). We still have yet to agree on names, and sometimes I'm afraid they'll just always be baby A,B,C and D. Eventually they'll have names right? If you have any ideas for names, please share!

22 weeks! Only 10 left to go!

Jason and I celebrated 7 years of being hitched, on June 5th. Sometimes I find it hard to believe we've been married that long, and can't believe everything we have gone through together. Jason is the most amazing father and husband,  I'm so glad I have him for eternity!!! We celebrated with our usual Cheesecake Factory dinner and dessert. Then on our actual anniversary we celebrated with an unofficial ward FHE, watching the season finally of Random Acts and relived the wonderful generous acts of compete strangers. It was all because of my friend Monique, and she'll never know how much she changed our lives. I feel like I don't deserve as much love and kindness as I have received from my amazing friends and family.

Cheesecake Factory selfie 

Dessert was amazing!

This weekend was a pretty big weekend in the Osborn household. It started out with the annual nestle 5k fun run, and ended with a new honorary member of the fam. We had so much fun at the 5k race! Don't worry, I didn't run or walk it, but Carter had a blast going with his grandma! We thought for sure my sister (hoping to have a baby any day) would go into labor. With no such luck we ended up with a gift card to Dennys and a case of nestle water. Then it was off to go car hunting for us. After looking at some very nice Honda oddesey vans, and getting a little discouraged on how much vans and SUVs cost, we found ourselves at Brent Brown Toyota in Orem. There, Brent Weiss (a new member of the Brent Brown team) showed us a deal we could not pass up. We bit the bullet and became van owners. Not so sure I'm happy about that part, but all we need for our sweet little quads are clothes! No more worrying about how we're going to get them around.

Carter with grandma ready for the race

The gang at the race minus siehara, Andres, and Carmen

Our new van. 

Well, the rest of the weeks we have left as a family of 3, are hopefully going to be lived to the fullest! I'll keep you updated on our little girls and our adventures ahead. Until then, happy reading!

Surprises and Blessings Beyond Measure

3 weeks have passed by so quickly since my last post. We have been getting ready for the arrival of our little ones, and making sure we get everything done before the inevitable bed rest. We have gotten many things accomplished, made time for fun, and have been blown away by the love and kindness of our neighbors. I think we're going to see a ton more of that when all the babes are here and home with us.

Annual Saturday before mothers day breakfast

So, our big projects have been mostly with the house. We've painted the shutters, put in a screen door, finished our cabinets with hardware included (I might have already told you about these), fixed sprinklers, pulled weeds, planted flowers...all the fun stuff. Jason is amazing, and he did most of the work while I've gotten ready for my sister's baby shower. It's been a very good productive 3 weeks!

My sister's baby shower was so fun! I can't believe we didn't take any pictures! The decorations were good, food delicious, fabulous company, and I think we all had a really good time! I'm so excited to meet her little boy, and he's probably coming any day now! Yay!

The invites. It kind of had a Dino theme. 

Prego sisters 

This Friday was father and sons, so my boys left me to go to an incredible dinner with ladies of heart heros and warriors. The boys had a pretty good time except for the sleeping part, and Carter was super excited when he heard our friends from Logan were visiting. It was a great start to the incredible day to come.

Carter at fathers and sons 

My boys in their tent

This weekend was supposed to be our super simple and fun gender reveal get together. What happened turned out to be so incredible with lots of tears, sharing incredible moments with friends and family, and sharing with the Facebook world our 4 baby girls. I can't give you too many details, but I can tell you to watch the show Random Acts on BYU TV June 5th at 7:30pm MST. What an amazing show with wonderful people doing great things for others.

19 weeks!!!

Ourgent friends 

Tonight we made our way to Heber city, and learned why the Heber Creeper is called the Heber Creeper. In February Jason was the sweetest and planned a date for us to go on while we were in Utah for my little sister's wedding. It turned out just perfect when we were late for dinner and missed the train. Just like our first date and many in between. Well, we redeemed our train tickets for another day (today) and took our sweet little boy with us. He loved the slow train, and everything that came with the experience. I love making memories with our little family.

Carter on the train

Jason and I

My little buddy. I love him!

 After this weekend, I feel like maybe I can be a mom of 4 little girls. I definitely know that I am blessed with wonderful people in my life who will be cheering me on and right by my side through all of it. I was so sad for Carter when we found out about the girls. His little sister didn't stay, and so he said he wanted a brother. No brothers for that sweet thing, but I hope he will find joy in having sisters. Happy reading!

Here We Are

Well, we've been back in Utah for almost a whole month now. Some times it feels strange that we left North Carolina, but other times... it feels like we never left Utah. We haven't really had a lot of time to relax and get back into life here. We've kind of just had to jump all in, and hope that some day it might all slow down. Time never does though. It just seems to speed up.

Since we've been back we've been up to a lot of projects and things around the house. With the news of our 4 little babies coming this year, we've really had to kick it in high gear and get things done quickly. We have no idea how long I'll be able to be on my feet, so for now we just make the best of everyday. Did you think our little quad stunt was a joke? Well, believe or not... we were and are not joking. Our little family of 3 plus our angel, will be growing to be a family of 8 this year!

The Day We Heard the News

It's amazing how children change your life instantly. As soon as you find out that they are on their way, and that your amazing body is making another human being... there are no words. It's exciting, scary, wonderful, stressful, and crazy all rolled into one. When we first found out about Carter, I bawled. I could not believe I was so lucky to be able to have a child and to be a mother. When we found out about Shanna, we went to the temple to thank our Heavenly Father for a blessing we weren't so sure was possible any more. When we found out about our sweet quads, so many emotions were pulsing through me. I could not believe that there were four! After hearing all of their heart beats, I cried, I panicked, I thought, this can't be happening. All the terrifying things with Shanna suddenly started flooding back times four. My tears didn't stop for a few weeks after that.

We're having quadruplets!

Well, that day was all the way back in February. Now that I've had a little while to process what we have been blessed with, it has gotten much better. Jason is the most excited person out of anyone we have told, and knowing that I'll be going through this with him, makes it all the more better. We have been through a lot, me and him. Never once has he left me to do things on my own, and never once has he not given me the words of encouragement I need to hear. He's my rock. Not only that, but he is our project driver. We've finished our kitchen cabinets (hardware and all), painted shutters, cleared a jungle of weeds, fixed the yard, and spent as much time with Carter as we can. I hope he finds this new adventure exciting and good. The 3 musketeers will not be here for much longer.

Our Shanna Girl

Some people have been so surprised by our announcement, and the closeness of it to our daughters death. Our hearts ache everyday just to see and hold her again. Our choice to have another baby came because of our sweet little boy. He misses his little sister, but knows that we still have little brothers and sisters for him in heaven. He wants to be a big brother again. We have struggled with the feeling of replacing our sweet Shanna girl, but the truth is... I think she sent these 4 angels to come keep us company until we see her again. Having just one baby would have been overwhelmingly hard, but 4... I guess we can handle four.

April was the month of so many anniversaries for our sweet baby girl. The anniversary of her birth, of her heart surgery, and soon the anniversary of her coming home to finally be with us as a family at home. Each one hurts more than you can imagine, but strangely I'm so glad we are back in our home where we had her, for all of these anniversaries. Coming back to Utah could not have come at a better time for me. As hard as it is to see her room, to remember our daily cuddles in the front room, and remember her sweet little sounds, it is so good to see and remember those things again. We still think of her, and miss her, every single day.

Shanna's grave 

We visit her grave often

Flowers we got for Shanna's birthday

Carter

Oh my sweet sweet Carter bug. He has been the greatest happiness for our family. I think Heavenly Father sent us him first, because he knew we would need him to get through everything we've gone through. He gives me a reason to get up in the morning, to strive harder to be a better mother, and to always show love. He is so happy to back here with all of his toys, but really I think he missed the familiarity of it all. He missed his little friends, his pictures of his little sister, his bed, and having a yard to play in. He is the strongest little man for all of the things he has had to see us go through. I love him with all of my heart, and I am so thankful for all of the happiness he gives us each day. Our miracle baby isn't a baby anymore. He's a little boy and he's my bestest friend.

My sweet little boy. 

My big boy getting ready to slide down the pole

Carter and his cousin Carmen

Carter after playing in the rain puddles outside

What's to Come

Well, my D-day is in October.... and there is not way I'll be making it that far. I already look like I'm 30 weeks pregnant, and the greatest gestational age we can hope for is 32 weeks. With only being 18 weeks along, it means we have a very long road ahead of us. I am so excited, yet so terrified, and already so exhausted thinking about that whole thing. I always wanted 6 children... I just never thought I would get most of them at once. I hope I can show them the love they need, pay attention to them as individuals, and still have time for my little buddy. You might be hearing from me a lot while on bed rest... but until then I'll be here a little and there a little. Thanks for reading.     

17 weeks

16 weeks