Happy 2018!!!

I can't believe another year has passed by so quickly. 2017 was a hard year for our little family, but we also saw so many blessings and have seen how much we have all grown from the hardships we have faced. Looking forward to 2018, I sure hope it's not as eventful lol.

Carter's preschool Christmas program 

Our December was full of Christmas fun. I decided to incorporate some new traditions that included making an advent calendar filled with fun activities to do each day until Christmas. We did great with it for the first 4 days, but as you have probably found, life happens and some activities...though planned didn't happen. We still got to think of serving others, create memories, and remember the true meaning of Christmas. I might give it another shot next year 😊

Our first activity, festival of trees!

We enjoyed ourselves.

Gingerbread houses!

Carter's creation!

The final product.

We were thought of and blessed this season with wonderful people who thought of our little angels. There were many occasions when we found a treasure on our doorstep in the form of ornaments, letters, and little ways to remember our 5 sweet baby girls. An amazing group of wonderful neighbors even brought over vases of flowers to represent each one. They will never know how much that meant to me.

5 vases of beautiful flowers!

We spent Christmas with family in Washington state, and had a blast! Not only did Carter get to play with his cousins at all hours of the day and night, but went to a trampoline park, ate an incredible amount of sugar, got spoiled with lots of gifts, took family pictures, and was sad when it all had to end. I even got to visit some old friends who make going back to Washington for Christmas worth it (Danna and Alyson, we didn't take a picture!). Although we missed having 5 little stockings, 5 little baby girls to hold, and 5 little girls to dress and take care of, we had a pretty wonderful vacation.

The whole gang for Christmas! 

Fun day at the trampoline park!

Well, 2017 went out with a BANG! After enjoying a long week in Washington with my awesome family, we got to celebrate the birth of this crazy guy. My best friend and confidant through thick and thin. The man who makes me want to be better everyday and loves me unconditionally. I'm so glad he is mine forever! Although I think I would have picked a different day for his birthday lol. 6 days after Christmas makes gift giving hard. We had a fun evening to celebrate him with delicious German chocolate cake, ice cream, games, and amazing company. At midnight (EST) we celebrated the ending of one of the hardest years I have ever had in my life, and made a resolution to have a great 2018 no matter what!

Love him!

Jason's cake made from scratch!

Reflecting on all the things our little family went through in 2017, I have seen how much we've grown and how much I've learned. I've learned that God has a plan for each of us. I've learned that the experiences we have in this life are all about the way we see them. I've learned that there is so much good and so much love in the world and so many incredible people. I've learned that I am not alone in my trials and struggles. I've learned to be more loving and kind

I challenge all of you to have a great 2018! I challenge you to love a little deeper, talk at little nicer, be slower to judge, and always find ways to help each other through the challenges this life brings all of us. Make this year the best year yet!

Where did November go?!

December 5th... how is it December already?! Where has all the time gone?! It has slipped between my fingers yet again. We woke up to snow outside this morning, and suddenly I have to start preparing for Christmas! Being insanely busy doesn't help the time slipping by. Every moment has been completely filled with something. It's the moments that seem to stop that are hard.

The month of November was kicked off with one of my favorite Halloweens. We had so much fun trick or treating, even though my costume was very last minute and very thrown together. I guess you can't beat the $3 price....

The trick or treating gang :)

The cutest Marshall EVER!

The pie I was supposed to make... it got eaten before I could finish it.

The rest of the month is a blur. I got up every morning at 4 am to teach cute little Chinese children English. As soon as 7 am chimed on the clock, I was then off to substitute teach at another school. Most of my days were challenging, and being away from my sweet little boy and husband was hard! I think I lost my head when my last day substituting was the BEST class EVER! Jason soon reminded me of all the missed time at home, and the many tears shed from previous hard classes. Not only that, but the thought of continuing and having to put Carter into day care, quickly snapped me out of that phase. I'm done with the hours to renew my teaching license, and I must move on.

Jason has been the hardest worker ever, while I was off on my adventures with teaching. Not only was he taking care of our sweet little boy, and training for another spartan, but he was finishing our basement bathroom. I am happy to say it is pretty much done! Finished! Yay!

Our little family didn't really get any time together until the week of Thanksgiving. Just as we were about to jet off on our 10 day vacation, Carter came down with a bad cold and pink eye. Yep that's right, so we ended up leaving Monday before Thanksgiving. We enjoyed ourselves in Nyssa Oregon where we have shared many memories, and got to spend time with Carter's Great-grand parents. I love sharing places of my childhood with Carter and Jason. Grandma's house is definitely one of the best places out there! Carter was reunited with his cousins, and I got to see my sister (who moved to Washington) and my parents. We had so much fun watching movies, going to the temple, running a 10K, eating lots of delicious food, making pie, and watching cousins play together. It was a great Thanksgiving!

Cooking in the kitchen with Great Grandma <3

The starting line for our 10K!

I know I mention our little girls quite often in these posts. Even though they are gone, they are still a huge part of my thoughts and my life. As we were enjoying ourselves with everyone at Thanksgiving I couldn't help but think of them. Oh how I wished so much that they could be there with us! Our little Shanna girl would probably be walking and getting into anything and everything possible. Kylie, Savannah, Ellie, and Lexi would probably be needing lots of attention. There would have been plenty of hands to pass them around to. We would be loving on those girls just as much as we love on Carter everyday. Even though my sweet angels are not here with us, I noticed so many blessings that came from our loss. We've been able to meet so many people, hear their stories, and reach out to so many families. We've been able to share in the joy and sadness of others and (hopefully) bring hope to those who feel that they've lost too much. My heart may hurt every day of this life until I am reunited with my baby girls, but there is far more good in the world to let go just yet. All that light gives me hope and helps me move forward.

As we start our December and end another hard chapter in the life of our little family, I hope we can continue to bring hope and light to those around us. I hope that each of you can only see the good that comes of things that are hard. We are children of a loving God who cares for us and wants what's best for us. I can't help but think that he has something great in store for our family. His plan is always so much greater than our own and more glorious than we can imagine. Continue to be the good in the world and focus on that good through out this holiday season. If you don't hear from me for a while from now, keep your head up. Keep on keeping on. Have a wonderful Christmas season!

We went to the festival of trees. 

Yes, I am hiding stuff behind my back. Awkward pose lol

More time has passed

I started this blog a long time ago, after Jason and I got married. I started it to share all our adventures, to update family without having to make a zillion phone calls, and always share our happy news. I never dreamed in a million years I would also share our sorrows too.  Especially ones so heart wrenching. Some times I feel like I should have moved on by now. I should begin everyday thankful for what I've been given, and never look back at what has been taken away. I never thought I'd still be hurting so bad. Every moment is different though. There are moments when I am so blissfully happy and seconds later the tears won't stop coming. There are days when I feel so defeated, and days when I've been given a surge of strength. I wonder if this will ever go away. If this is how it will always be.

I think children have a way of tuning into how their mothers feel. Carter usually wants nothing to do with me, and always wants to be surrounded by friends. The past couple of weeks I've heard so many I love yous and so many, mommy will you play with me? I've gotten more hugs and kisses lately than I've gotten all year. It's amazing how being wanted and needed, is so healing. My little boy is often the only thing that keeps me going.

Carter asking me to play with him at the park

Our family hasn't been up to too much lately. We've visited friends, gone to lots of family events, had a mini get away, and have started to get excited about Halloween. I've also started teaching Chinese children English at insane hours in the morning and night. I've been able to help out in Carter's class,  which has been so much more fun than I ever thought. We're doing pretty good considering all that we've gone through in the last couple years. Staying busy had definitely helped.

We went on a road trip tho Logan to visit our dear friends 

We went to Hee Hawk Farm for a like pumpkin p

Carter with a cute little bunny

Carter at his pumpkin patch field trip 

Cater loved the corn!

Some pumpkin carving fun

The gang carving pumpkins

The awesome jack o lanterns we carved!

My sweet like buddy

Carter in his costume. He's the cutest marshal ever!!!

 We still feel the love and prayers from so many. Thank you for your support, your friendship, and love. I hope I have some more exciting stuff to post next time. Until then make some awesome memories of your own!

A Quiet House

Shanna would have been 17 months old on the 17th of September. With all the things she had with her DI George syndrome, I'm not sure what she would be doing now. I often think of her and what she would be like now. Would she be crawling? Would she be walking? Would she be eating with out a feeding tube? Would she have beautiful long hair, or would her hair be really short? Would she know how much we all love her so very much? Now my house seems very quiet with out all the little ones we hoped and still wish we had. My little boy had even started preschool and that makes our house deadly quiet. There are so many times I wish I could just get a glimpse of what life would be like with my 5 beautiful baby girls. I'm sure it would be my very favorite.

Well, now that it has been a very long time since my last post, I thought I would take the quiet moments of tonight to give you all an update on our family. Although there are still days when my world stops, I can still feel all the prayers and love from wonderful people near and far. So many things have given me the strength to keep moving forward.

Package delivery!

Silly Carter waking home after church

Carter started preschool, and he is loving every second of it! Every day, the first thing he asks me is, "Is today a preschool day?!" When I tell him it's not a preschool day, he cries. I must say, I did very well saying goodbye to him on the first day, but last week I bawled as I drove away. He already doesn't like me to walk him all the way in. He simply jumps out of the car, and while running to the preschool door yells, "bye mommy, I love you!" That was the day I cried. I'm not ready for my baby boy not to need me anymore. I want him to need me forever.

Carter with his preschool teacher

Carter hanging up his back pack 

My older sister was staying with us for a little while before she moved, and I loved every second of having her and her kids here! While she went back to work after maternity leave, she also asked me to watch her 3 month old son and 3 year old daughter. Carter had a best friend to play with, and although it hurt at times...I had a baby to hold. The day she left, my house was quieter than it has been in a very long time. When Carter went to preschool and I was home alone, I wanted to just sit and cry.

Carter with his cousin Carmen 

I started substitute teaching, and am itching to get back in the teacher world. Before I had little Carter, I had my dream job. It was at my dream school, with my dream team, and my dream grade. It was very hard for me to give that up when we moved to Nevada, but wouldn't ever take back being able to take care of my baby boy 24/7. In fact he is still the reason I haven't gone back full time. He stole my heart, and now I won't ever get it back.

Carter and I outside his preschool

Our little family participated in the annual heart walk for intermountain healing hearts. Last year this took place weeks after Shanna passed away, and they did a beautiful angel ceremony for all the heart angels. Then, I felt so much support and love. This time, I hurt for all the families who recently lost a child to a CHD. I had a few minutes to talk about our Shanna girl, and kept it short and sweet so as to not break down in front of everyone. I wish I could have talked longer. I wish I could talk about the sweet baby we miss so dearly, but it always ends in never ending tears. One day, I hope that gets better so that I can just be happy and enjoy talking about our baby girl.

Our little family at the heart walk

Carter by Shanna's picture 

We've been doing lots of house work lately, and hope to have our basement bathroom/laundry room finished with in the next few weeks. I've decided it's a fun and stressful process. Fun to pick things out and design it. Not so fun to see our bank account disappear.

Carter helping with the shower

My little helper

Ca

My little fisher man

Life is Busy!

I've started this post at least a thousand times now. I have had so many thoughts and so many emotions, but have been too busy to make the time to write much. I've been blown away by the good in this world. There have been so many wonderful people who have reached out to us still, 2 almost 3 months since we lost our baby girls. Compete strangers have given me the strength to live another day, and keep pushing forward. My heart breaks for those who are going through something similar. Never in a million years would I want anyone to experience the loss of a child. 

I went to primary children's hospital today. A place I never really wanted to revisit. I had volunteered to redecorate a bulletin board in the cardiac ICU, and never thought I would be walking out of there again with tears streaming down my face.  I just couldn't hold it in any longer, and felt as if I was leaving the hospital empty handed yet again. 

This is my favorite picture. It is the background on my phone, and I look at it everyday...every time I see it, I'm reminded of the beautiful relationship my sweet little boy had with his beautiful little sister. They loved each other, and Carter was smitten with her. I hope he remembers her, and never forgets that he met her.

I remember, days before we said goodbye, Carter had a cough. We weren't sure how strong Shanna's immune system was with the chromosome deletion syndrome she had, and often told Carter not to touch his little sister. Thinking about it now, it breaks my heart. I feel as though I took away precious moments and memories Carter could have had with his sister. Some times I like to imagine, when I have hard nights when I miss her so much, she's with me. I hope Carter feels her near.

When I think about Carter and Shanna, my mind then thinks of Kylie, Savanah, Ellie, and Lexi. What would their relationship have been like if only we were able to have those sweet girls a little longer? I know Carter would have adored each one, and would have wanted every one to see his sisters. Just like he wanted every one to see his Shanna girl. He was so proud of her. I hope when we are reunited in heaven, even though Carter will have his own family, I hope he is given the opportunity to love on his sisters and get to know them.

I don't mean to be sad and depressing. The nights are just so hard for me. This is the time I ache for all of my 6 children to be together. To see each of them learn and grow together. To have their own memories of family vacations, of family parties,and reunions. I want to sit and reminisce about their baby days and childhood. To share precious moments and write all the crazy things they said, or things they taught me in moments of weakness. I want so badly to have my babies with me now. I guess all the wishing and wanting doesn't make it come to pass, and doesn't help my aching heart. I have been given hope through my savior however, that I will have them again some day.

I am the luckiest mom in the world, and I think I need to realize that more often. I have a sweet, handsome, funny, adorable little boy who makes my heart smile everyday! Everyday he's growing a little older, and everyday I am creating memories with him! He is my everything. He gives me so much strength. It's just fine that he's my only child here on earth, and having him is more than many people have our will ever have. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for sending me angels. Carter is the greatest I've been given.

Here are some pictures of our latest adventures! I hope you enjoy them, and know that we are given so much love everyday!

Our cut little man with his little puppy

My silly boy hanging upside down

We got a temporary head stone for our quad girls

Jason finished a spartan with stone good friends

My spartan warrior

Carter and his cousin who will be moving soon

Hot BYU football game

He's getting so good at riding his bike

We've been going on bike rides, carter's new favorite thing

Going on fair rides

First monster truck rally for all of us

We've been learning how to take care of roses

Another spartan pic

Carter did awesome with swim lessons!

Love my boys

Hanging out outside

Lots of watermelon eating 😊