Heaven's New Angel

Her name was Shanna Kay Osborn. She was the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen, and I loved her with my whole heart. Today we had to say goodbye, as her Father in Heaven called her home. She was too perfect for this world. She had come here to love us and give us so much happiness, and fulfill the mission here on earth. She received a beautiful broken body, and now she is without limitations or pain. There will always be a piece missing in our world here on earth. The day we will be able to see her again, will be one of great joy and one we will strive to be worthy of.

The day she came into this world, I fell in love. She was so perfect and pure. We could not believe that our Father in Heaven would trust us with such a special spirit. It radiated from her, and who ever held her fell in love with her instantly. Many of the doctors and nurses went out of their way to check on her and see how she was doing. I think it might have been because she was surrounded by angles helping her through the hardest thing she would face in her little life. After pleading with our Father in Heaven to help her get through surgery, and begging to be able to take her home. That day will forever live in my memory.

The Day I met her. April 17, 2016

Days before surgery. She was so beautiful!

We took her home on May 12, 2016 and were ready for whatever came our way. We knew she would not be like other babies, and would need more support and help doing the little things. Her care was a 24/7 job, and we were so happy and willing to do it. Every day was a blessing we were given to get to know her and love her. Although our life was interrupted by many doctor visits, Shanna was a trooper. She was a warrior princess and took every challenge like a champ. I will never forget those sweet smiles. It was a gift to us to be able to hold her and comfort her in those trying times. She sure loved to cuddle, and we did too. Our neglected house was definitely a testament to that, and I will never regret that.

Moments we shared at home

The first time we took her to church

Right before started tummy time... She hated it!

Carter was so proud of her.

Father’s a Sons was Friday night, and I LOVED every minute of having that little girl to myself. Even though it was hard to get up every 3 hours to change her feeding pump, I loved getting up and just staring at her. She was so perfect still and I loved every molecule of that sweet baby girl. Saturday night when Jason and Carter were home, it was as if she was trying to tell us something. Finally at about 4am, we brought her into bed to cuddle with us. Little did we know, those would be some of the last moments we would have with her here on Earth. As 7:30am on Sunday July 10^th came around we noticed a different cry. She then became cold and blue. We decided then that we needed to get her help. We started getting her ready, and I watched as our sweet baby stopped breathing. I could not believe what was happening, it did not seem real, and was as if my worst nightmare was playing before my eyes.

One of her cuddles. I think I held her for about an hour.

The ambulance got there shortly after, although it seemed like gruling hours of CPR. I jumped in with her without any shoes, and had no idea that hours later I would be holding her lifeless body, and saying good bye. It was so hard to watch them try to bring her back to life. I felt so sick and wanted to throw up. A piece of me was laying on that hospital table without a heartbeat. Jason and I left the room and held each other so tightly. I don’t think I have ever cried that hard in my life nor do I ever care to cry that hard again. My heart was breaking. Her spirit was gone, and there was no bringing it back no matter how hard we tried.

One of the last pictures I took of her

The rest of the day only got harder. We had so many wonderful friends and family to try to lift us. Many tears and prayers were said. Even the EMT team came and wept with us. We sat and held our baby girl together as we thought of the hole that would always be in our hearts. The worst moment of my life, that I will ever experience, was having to let go of her sweet body. No one should ever have to feel the pain that I had to feel as I let go of her lifeless body, knowing I would never hold her again in this life.

I will never forget the bond they shared.

Going home was another kind of pain. Everywhere I looked screamed Shanna. Her bottles in the fridge, her car seat waiting for us to put her in it. The oxygen tank that we had to carry around with us. The feeding supplies, her clothes, her bed, all of it. I am so thankful for my Aunt and Uncle who got to our house first and put most of those things away. I don’t know if I could have handled seeing her jammies we ripped off of her as we started CPR, or the milk all over the floor that came from her little mouth as we did compressions. Scenes that will forever play in my head.

Although this hurts so bad… I know that we will see her again. I know that we will be able to raise her and hold her when we finally leave this earth. It gives me hope and helps me to make changes to my life so that I will be worthy of seeing her again. Oh Shanna girl… we will always love you and we will miss you every day, until we meet again baby girl. Until we meet again. 

Shanna's Journey

My fave picture of her so far <3

Today marks the 2 week mark of our little girl's birth. We have been through so much in these short 2 weeks, and everything we've learned will touch lives for a lifetime. I never thought I would ever have to deal with cancer in my life, and I certainly never thought I would have a child with a heart defect. Our Father in Heaven has great plans for us, and they may never be what we ever expected.

Sweet Shanna, after her procedure on Thursday.

Monday afternoon, our sweet little peanut was wheeled away into the operating room. I tried so hard to prepare for this experience, but when the moment came to say goodbye, I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could see my little princess go through so much pain, and could not stand or even entertain the thought of her not coming home with us. I knew it was all out of my hands, and to worry or cray was wasted energy, but I couldn't help it. Her daddy gave her the most beautiful blessing just before they took her, and I think that what he said was more for me than in was for her. For the moments leading up to putting her life in the surgeon's hands, I was given the peace and strength I so desperately needed.

To back up a little bit, Friday April 22nd our little angel was put on the schedule for her open heart surgery. My sisters had planned on still having a baby shower for me the following day, and I thought it would be perfect. I could tell all my friends that she made it through, and take my mind off of my little girl for just a few hours. Well, Thursday they decided to do a procedure to help them map out the surgery, and I was terrified. The doctor had explained the seriousness of the procedure and shortly after talking to him, I found myself begging Jason to be with me. After her procedure, we found out that something went wrong and our sweet little girl had something happen that can be compared to a heart attack. I had the hardest time seeing the ICU again, and a day sooner than we had hoped.

My baby shower still happened, the surgery did not, and it was a break that I needed so much more than I thought I did. It was so good to be around people, who were my friends, and not going through hard things like I am. It was fun to visit, play games, and my sisters did an amazing job! I loved it so much! It was so good to see my little monkey too! Oh how I have missed my little side kick (even if he couldn't care less that I've been gone.

The banner in our living room. Wish I would have gotten more pics of the cute decor.

My sister made the beautiful blanket to put all the gifts on.

The cake <3 I LOVED it!

That night I was able to take Carter with me to the Ronald McDonald house, to give Grandma a break and to give us time to be together as a family. It was so fun to have a sleep over with Carter. We loved on him Saturday night, and all of Sunday. When it was time for Carter to head back home, I couldn't help but feel as if we were only aloud to see our son for that long as if we had visitation rights or something. As I drove him back to our home, I couldn't help but cry as he asked why he couldn't see me. He also asked why he couldn't see his little sister, and all I could say to him was that we would be able to be home all together soon. I bet that these last couple of weeks have felt like an eternity to him.

Carter: "Mommy! That's you and Shanna!" We took him to temple square one day

Well, Monday was the dreaded day, but also a day we were wanting so very much to be done and over with. After we said goodbye and walked out to the waiting room, we were given a pager and told we would be updated through out the surgery. We watched that pager like our lives depended on it, and celebrated every time we heard some thing new. Six and a half hours later, we met with the surgeon who will never know how much he has done for us. He told us the surgery went well, and after getting her stabilized and in her new room in the ICU, we would be able to see her. That wait to see her seemed longer than the 6.5 hour surgery, but eventually we walked down to the ICU and were able to see her.

So hard to see her this way. I didn't get a pic of her after surgery, but this is pretty close. 

This week has played out many wonderful steps and accomplishments. Shanna was able to get her chest closed on Thursday (they leave it open until all the swelling goes down from the surgery), yesterday her chest tubes were taken out (to drain all the fluid build up in her chest cavity), her breathing tube was taken out today, and we were able to hold her. Not to mention Carter was able to see her! It was only for a minute (he did not like the ICU and had to wear a mask), but it made me smile to know that he was able to see her in person.

After getting her chest closed!

She opened her eyes for a little bit. It was so good to see!

Thursday my awesome big sis took my mom and I out to be pampered (my birthday present!). We went and got pedicures, and had a delicious lunch at Cafe Zupas (I love that place!). I loved being able to spend that time with my mom and sister. It was so nice to feel like a normal person, and every time I look at my toes, it makes me smile. They turned out to be pretty cute :) lol.

What do you think?

This weekend we were also able to take Carter to his first movie at the movie theater! I thought he would be so much more blown away by the experience, but it was during nap time (he was super sleepy) and he really just felt like he was watching a movie at home. He even took it upon himself to climb on all the chairs in from of him, and sit somewhere else every 30 seconds. It was so good to spend that time with him though, and show him that we still love him ever so much. Watching movies is going to be a bad habit we have to break when we are finally home together again.

Today we attended a testimony meeting with the hospital branch. It was very powerful to be sitting with so many people who have sick children and are going through a very hard time in their lives. The lessons we learn from our hardships in this life, are eternal and were given to us to teach us and to help those around us who are going through similar experiences. It was refreshing to be spiritually uplifted, and it solidified all that I have learned about the plan of Salvation and the promises that are given to us if we endure this life well. We are never left alone in our sarrows and trials. Jesus Christ suffered that the he could better understand and help us through the experiences we have in this life. We have been sent angels in so many forms, and we have continued to see wonderful miracles. God does hear and answer our prayers!

Well, now that Carter and Jason are gone, I am feeling more alone than I have all week. I hope that I will be able to remember all the things I have learned through all of this, and help bring comfort and hope to those who are around me. Tomorrow is another day, and I have a feeling we are going to see more wonderful things happen! Until then... happy reading.

 P.S. We didn't take a single picture of Carter this weekend :( Epic FAIL! Not that he would have cooperated anyway. How do you remember to take pictures? I always remember hours later, sometimes even days later, that I didn't take a picture!

Our Little Girl is Here!

I wish I were a writer. There are so many things I want to capture with words, but I’m not very good at it. I always want to capture sweet precious moments with my little family with the words that I feel in my heart. I am pretty sure they are in a completely different language and I am not very good at translating. We have started a life long journey that will always leave us with many lessons learned, many stretching and growing experiences, many times where we see the hand of God in all things.

Our little girl decided to make her grand entrance into the world at 36 weeks old. It was totally unexpected, exciting, draining, emotional, and all kinds of things balled all into one. She is here and doing well though, that’s all that matters.

I will never forget the day we went into the hospital to find out what we would be having. I was 21 weeks and could not wait, but having a sick hubby a little boy (who I wanted to share the joy with) could not be in the room with me. After looking at our sweet baby, my hour appointment seemed like seconds, and suddenly Jason was holding my hand and the doctor told us about her heart. Our sweet little baby who would be come to us straight from heaven with a congenital heart defect and would impact the rest of her life in many ways. In that moment I felt so hopeless, and scared that our miracle baby would have to struggle so much in this life.

After a fun filled Friday and Saturday with family, I started having some not so comfortable contractions. We went home, cleaned the house (sort of), and put our sweet Carter to bed. Finally laying down at about 11pm, I prayed so hard that our little Shanna would stay in a little longer. That must have not been God’s will for her, because 1:00 am rolled around and suddenly I was soaked. A quick phone call to my sister, a quick shower, and a quick goodbye to my little buddy, and we were driving to go have our baby.

Long story short, I was life flighted from Utah Valley Regional to The University of Utah Hospital in Salt Lake City, and arrived just as Jason walked in the door (he had to drive). 6 hours (which seemed like seconds) after arriving, little Shanna Kay Osborn came into the world at 5lbs 10oz, and handed through a window to the NICU. I was able to touch her for a quick second, and in that moment I fell in love with her. My heart ached even more for the trials and burdens she would have to deal with in her life. 

The first time we saw her since being born.

The first time I got to hold her <3

Our baby girl in the cardiac ICU.

After I was discharged from the hospital, we were given a miracle. Our baby girl was moved from the Cardiac ICU to a regular room, where we could hold her, feed her, love on her, and really cherish our time with her. I loved talking to her, rocking her, and living in a world I wanted to be in, with our daughter doing so well. Our wonderful time together was cut short as she was wheeled down to do a pre-surgery procedure. The procedure went well, but her heart started showing some irregularities so she was placed back in the ICU. That’s where we are now… waiting for our little girl to recover and get ready for the scariest and hardest thing I have yet to endure in this life. She’ll be going into open heart surgery next Friday morning. 

Shanna after being moved to a regular room!

Daddy's little girl <3

Shanna girl after her procedure. We're hoping for a fast recovery!

There have been so many emotions during this whole thing. For the first couple of days, I couldn’t stop asking why. Why does my baby girl have to go through this? Why when I prayed so hard for her to be healthy while she was inside of me, was she given this burden of health? Why has a loving Heavenly Father allowed this to happen? Why does it have to happen to our family? The only answer I have felt, is that we are going to learn so much and touch so many people’s lives. We are going to see the miracles of God brought through this little girl of ours. God has a plan for each and every one of us. He wants for us, only the greatest blessings. He can only help us reach our full potential and bless us when we go through growing experiences and trials. We are in his hands, and he will take care of us. It may not be in the way we want it to be or plan on it being, but it will be for our good.

Carter is doing great through all of this! He is loving life with Grandma and has hardly even noticed mommy and daddy’s absence during this whole thing. We’ve been able to see him a couple of times, and it always brings me to tears. I’ve missed my little buddy, but I think he has the strength that he needs and knows that we love him so much! Our experience here has seemed like an eternity and we still have at least a month left to endure, but the thought that keeps coming into my mind is; this shall be but a small moment. 

Grandma is playing a ton with him outside!

My big little boy. 

I miss him every day....

Life Goes On

Hello Friends, long time no blog…. I think I jinxed myself when I said I was doing well so far this 2016, with blogging that is. Funny thing is, life just keeps going and things never really ever get less busy. I have edited this post a least a few times, simply because I had to catch up on everything again.  

Well, it is now nearing the end of February and our life, just as it has been the last couple of years, includes the relationship of many doctors. Every day I am so thankful for modern medicine and the life my family has because of it. Here is a little update on our lives.

My handsome boys!

Jason

Most amazing husband ever… but we all knew that right? Ha. I got to spoil him for Valentine’s Day (our anniversary of getting engaged) and it lasted 2 weeks! He did mess with my plans a little bit so it wasn’t as magical as I thought it would be, but it turned out pretty all right! He got a love note and gift every day for two weeks, because I realized that I don’t show him my love for him as much as I should. He planned a killer date for us too and we left Carter for the first time over night (yes I bawled my eyes out, but I’m pregnant so it’s ok right?). We went to our fave restaurant, The Cheesecake Factory, and after an 80 minute wait, ate a delicious dinner. Best part of course being the cheesecake! Chris’ outrageous with yummy brownie, coconut, and chocolaty goodness. We didn’t have time for much else (and we were in cheesecake coma), so we went to a 5 star hotel and just got to be us for a while. I haven’t really been able to spend one on one time with Jason lately, so I treasured every second! That is until he fell asleep watching Last Man Standing. 

At the Cheesecake Factory in Salt Lake

Carter

My sweet little baby looks more and more like a grown up little boy each and every day. He is getting so tall, his vocabulary has exploded, and he teaches me so much! At the end of each day, I smile and think of the sweet moments we were able to have, and how I never want him to grow up. He’s my little buddy and I love it so much!

Valentine from Grandma.

I am so happy that the weather has finally started to get warmer! We’ve been on all kinds of walks, and have been able to enjoy the outside a little more. That is until Carter got sick (yes again!). Poor thing had a fever and has had a cough (not surprise there) for a week. Really nothing new, but I hate it when he is sick! We are cooped up in the house all day, all he wants to do is watch T.V, and he sleeps so much I miss him. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t started his day before 10am in at least a week and a half. I guess I have gotten a lot of other things done around here though. 

My sad sick little boy.

Heading out for a walk. Silly boy!

We went to the park for lunch the other day, and had so much fun in the sun! I can hardly wait for spring to hurry up and get here. Carter amazed me though, because he did so much on his own! He also slid down each slide at least 60 times when he has always been afraid of those “scary things”. He’s my little buddy, and I love him with every, single, piece of my heart!

Sunny day and loving the slides!

He's doing it all by himself.

P.S. Carter went pee in the big boy potty! He woke up Sunday morning and told me he had to go potty, so we got him on the toliet and he went! Sadly it was only Sunday, but I still have hope for potty training in the near future!

Our Baby Girl

Our baby girl is growing more and more every day! I feel it with every shirt that doesn’t cover my belly, and every frustrating day I have to go out in public lol. She is super active all the time, even the doctors have gotten frustrated with her enthusiasm to move. We are so excited to meet her in May!

This month has been filled with many doctors’ appointments for our sweet girl, and one of them was at Primary Children’s where she will have her open heart surgery. It has still been hard knowing that our sweet child will go through so much in her life time, but as time has moved, I have noticed that we have been given the strength and peace that I’ve so desperately needed. We won’t be able to bring her home right away, and the stay at the hospital might be much longer than we anticipated. She will have surgery before she comes home with us and it made me feel so much better to see the place where she will be. I have heard that angles walk the halls there, and so many other people are going through worse things. How can I complain? Her heart defect is one they see often called truncus arteriosus. We did receive results back from other testing and know that she will not have downs or any other chromosomal issue that we know of. A condition called Digeorge syndrome may be something that accompanies this heart defect, but they have no way to tell. I know that however this sweet girl comes, it is something meant to be. 

Me

Well, I am holding up well. Other than feeling like a whale ha ha, I have really good energy and have felt better physically than I have in a long time. I have felt the prayers of so many each day as I try to prepare for what’s ahead. Thank you. Even through all of the doctors’ appointments, I have felt strength and peace.

And... this is me... wow.

I feel like my business is running a little bit better too, which helps keep my mind occupied when I don’t have my sweet boy with me. We have become quite the pair he and I. I love laughing and playing with him. My heart hurts when I think about having to leave him for a long while. I believe he’ll be given the strength that he needs as well, to get through this new challenge in our lives. If you’d like to help keep me busy, host a book party! I have found that I really love the books I sale, and would love to share them with anyone who would like to hear about them. Super amazing for homeschooling, which crazily I have thought of lol. Anyways, I hope that life finds all of you well and that you are finding joy in the journey. Life is pretty wonderful, even with all the hard stuff. Happy Reading!

Sweet little man went purse shopping with me. He really wanted this one!

Carter eating dinner with his cute cousins.

Carter at the boat show. I just missed it with his sunglasses on. 

Its A.....

We did our gender reveal party on Sunday and it was super fun. I thought it would be hard to wait to find out what our baby would be, but with all our excitement it hasn’t been hard at all J We just had a little get together with all the family members that were in town. The rest commuted via FaceTime, LOVE technology! We had dinner, and then had amazing cupcakes (made by Kira with Kira’s Kupcakes!) with surprises inside. Enjoy the photos of our happy night! Baby Osborn we love you and can’t wait until we are able to meet you!

The cutest cupcakes ever!

Kira even got all fancy with a display :)

My adorable niece!

Getting ready to eat our cupcakes...

Eating our cupcakes...

Look what we found inside!

We are having a sweet baby GIRL! Can hardly wait :)

Our Greatest Joy

Well, I am doing better at this blogging thing so far this year of 2016. Two and a half ish weeks since posting… I think that is pretty good. So much has happened, that if feels like it has been so much longer. I have so much to be thankful for, and so much that is going to change our lives in the next few months. Life is always a whirlwind isn’t it?

To catch you up on our New Year celebrations and exciting adventures in Washington, we were there until January 3^rd! On December 31^st the day started out with a surprise date to Star Wars, and I ended up seeing some old friends who I haven’t seen together since my 16^th birthday party! We made some yummy cookies, had a great conversation about life, and got to see their little kiddos, which Carter took every opportunity to show me he is ready for a sibling (in a good way). I am so thankful for the great friends that I had in High School who I still talk to. There aren’t very many, but they sure are treasures to me! Ladies, why didn’t we take a picture?!

After a much needed girls visit, Carter and I headed back to my parents’ house for a delicious turkey dinner and birthday celebration for the love of my life and my siblings. It was Jason’s golden birthday and he got to share it with my sweet little sister and silly little brother. The dinner was amazing, and opening presents (again) was actually quite fun! I am pretty sure Jason liked his birthday present far better than his Christmas present lol. Who thought a phone car mount could bring so much joy to someone? I’m pretty sure he played with it for an hour before he put it away. He even showed me all the cool features lol. It wasn't his most fave birthday gift, but I was glad to see he liked something I got him. Ha ha. After that we played some games with friends and partied our way into 2016. I got my midnight kiss, and almost immediately we all went to bed lol.

Kira and Dyelan getting ready to open birthday presents

He thought this was the coolest EVER

Until my dad decided to ruin it....

Now this was the BEST gift EVER!

The next couple days were filled with visiting, playing games, and going to Get Air! We really had lots of fun and made so many wonderful memories!

My cute little monkey at Get Air

Everyone who got to jump, I was not allowed with my big belly and all

They all had so much fun!

Cutie Carmen even loved it :)

The only good picture from bowling... I wasn't the camera man :P

It was so wonderful to be with my parents and be spoiled by them. I was a little sad to say goodbye, because the next time we see each other won’t be until July for sure. I guess with me having a baby it might be sooner, but still quite a long time.  Plus I was not excited for Jason to go back to work. Too bad we have to have a job to survive and have the things we need.

When we got back to Utah, we were greeted with lots of doctor appointment (yippee!). One appointment we had been waiting for, for a very long time it seemed. We had an appointment with our parientologist to find out the gender of our baby, as well as count their sweet little toes and fingers and have our anatomy ultrasound. Well…it didn’t turn out at all how we planned. Carter got sick the night before going home with a horrid cough and high fever. Jason had a cold the entire time we were in Washington and his cough never fully went away. Well, because of cold and flu season Carter wasn't allowed to come in the room with me and so Jason had to stay outside with him (not that he could have come anyway because of his cough). Well, we decided we wanted to do a gender reveal so that we could find out together what our baby was going to be. The ultrasound tech put the gender in an envelope and sealed it so I couldn’t cheat.

Our story of the day doesn’t end there…. Suddenly I found myself with the doctor looking at some abnormalities they had found with our sweet baby. The next thing I knew, Carter and Jason were with me in a consultation room with masks on, and we were discussing options for genetic testing and setting up an appointment with a pediatric cardiologist. I could not believe what was happening, and every time I looked at my little family my heart just broke. I couldn’t hold back the tears for anything.

The next few days brought blood work, and an echo cardiogram that lasted 3 hours. Our sweet baby will be born with a heart defect One that will affect the rest of its life. At a week old he/she will have open heart surgery and there is nothing I can do about it. For some reason our Heavenly Father feels we need to go through this and has sent us this sweet spirit to look after and to learn from. I blamed myself so much for a few days, and couldn’t believe I would have to go through something like this. I found myself on my knees begging to see a miracle with the ultrasounds and echo being wrong and that our baby would be healthy. I now realized that I was being silly. Yes, this is going to be hard. I wish life wasn’t so hard, but that is how we grow and learn. My little family will be eternal, meaning we will always be together! Our baby will be born to our family and therefore be with us forever. Once day he/she will have a healthy heart, a body that is perfect, and we will be able to be together for the rest of forever. Everything happens for a reason and God is so good to us, only good can come of it.

Well, for the last couple of weeks I have been freaking out a little less. I was able to meet a young mother when we moved here that has a boy with heart problems. When I heard her story (way back then) and all that she had to go through, I was so thankful that I wasn’t in her situation. We actually met for lunch one day and talked for 3 hours about the great hardships with open heart surgery, and constantly worrying about what was going to happen next. I met her son, and knew that she was put in my path for a reason. She helped me so much with her great testimony and kindness. I’ll never forget the feelings of peace after I talked to her. She will never know how much she has helped me.

My heart is so full and so tender these days. I am just so thankful for a Heavenly Father who created the perfect plan for us to come to this earth to learn and to grow and have hard challenges in this life. I am thankful for the wonderful blessing of modern medicine in these days, and am thankful for the guidance we are given through the Holy Ghost. I know that God has a plan for me, and whatever it may be will only be for my good. This challenge is going to be hard, it is going to knock me down, but I will continue in faith and know that my family is forever. I am never alone through it either. I have wonderful friends and family who have already shown their love and have given me great strength. Jason has been awesome through this whole thing as well, and I am so glad that I have him to be mine forever. Please don’t feel sorry for us. Just know that we are going through hard things so that we may see the blessings. We have had the privilege of seeing so many miracles, and I know we will only continue to see more. We’ll keep ya updated as our angle’s story continue. Happy Reading!