Radiation: week 1

I am happy to report that I have been through 1 week of radiation officially today!! 4 treatments down and only 21 more to go! Isn't life wonderful?!

So... how are things going? Well, let's just say I have grown a great appreciation for the wonderful things I did have in my life and will hopefully get back. Here are a couple I think are pretty amazing right now :)

1. Sleep

After having a baby, I was told I would never sleep again. Carter was a wonderful newborn and gave me 5 hour stretches of sleep at night. Then, at 6 weeks he was already sleeping through the night. It made me smile to think that this was sleep deprivation lol. Especially because I was always so happy to get up with him in the middle of the night, simply because I missed him.

After having the flu and starting to get all of the symptoms of my brain tumors, sleep wasn't as easy as it once was. I would have to get up at least 7 times during the night to go to the bathroom and drain my body of the 3 gallons of water I was drinking during the day. I must say I was rather annoyed. I had to get up for something I wasn't even excited for!

After brain surgery, I was given meds to help me with the bathroom thing and thought, YES! I will finally be able to sleep again! Yeah... I guess only lucky people are like that. 2:00 in the morning rolls around and I'm wide awake. After a couple of days of that though, at least one night every so often comes around where I sleep past 2.

My sweet little sleeper <3

2. Hair

My thick hair and I always had a love hate relationship. Some days I loved that it was thick and loved they way it looked when I put it up. Other days I would feel like pulling it all out because there was just too much and it was just too CRAZY! Well, I have come to miss my thick hair these past couple of weeks. Everyday it seems like I lose half my head of hair. I think I've brushed all that will come out that day until after treatments another couple of handful of hair decided they need liberation from my scalp. Even if your hair is not cooperating with you for that important meeting, hot date, or just to head out in public, always be thankful that you have hair to struggle with. Even though you might think being bald would be nice, it's really scary when you start to lose it all.

My thin short hair driving home from my last treatment of the week!

*** I should add vision to this list lol. I've never had to wear my glasses all the time, but now I can't see a thing with out them. A tumor is pressing on my optic nerve, so hopefully it will get better once the tumor is gone!

3. Having Jason home EVERY day!

This is going to be a hard one to let go of once my treatments are done. It is so nice to have him with Carter and I, and just to see him and hug and kiss him whenever I want! I love that he isn't away from us 14 hours a day, and even though our little family is going through a hard time right now... it is so awesome to be able to face things together! It makes me happy to think that Carter gets a little more time with his daddy each day :)

So far on this crazy adventure, we've been able to go to the park together, and we even spent some time at the zoo. Isn't it amazing that even if your life seems to be falling apart, there are still so many more things to be thankful for. We truly have a loving Heavenly Father looking out for us :)

Happy Independence Day tomorrow! Another thing to be thankful for, that we live in the USA!!!!

Carter with his daddy at the Zoo. He loved the zebras :)

He also loved touching the rocks!

A lion was laying by the window. Carter ate it up!

Carter flipped when he saw this giant elephant

Silly boy watching the monkeys :)

He always finds the perfect place for him to sit. Ledges and steps are his favorite!

Our cute little family playing ball at the park 

The Miracle of Healing

It is so amazing what we can go through in this life, and be able to completely heal from it. Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It has been 2 1/2 weeks since brain surgery, and although I am still quite sore and occasionally have my giant headache return, it is wonderful to be able to do the things I was able to do before. It is especially wonderful to be a mother to Carter again!

We returned home Sunday night, and each one of us seemed to have healed a little more from the whirl wind of events that disrupted our family life. It was wonderful to just be our little family again, and as soon as we walked in the door, Jason and I loved sitting together watching our sweet little boy explode with happiness. His eyes were wide as he saw the pictures on the wall and laughed as he remembered each one. He ran to his toy box hysterical to hold each one of his toys. Even the lights on the ceiling were so exciting to him. It brought tears to my eyes when he ran into his room laughing, smiling, and pointing at his crib. It seemed as if we just gave the world to our little man.

Although I was nervous to have Carter all to myself again, Monday was the best day I had had in a while. Carter was so happy and enthralled with everything he saw in the house. I just sat happy and content as I watched Carter not only destroy the house, but find the greatest happiness in doing so. We both loved being partners in crime again. Two peas in a pod spending each day together again. I soaked up every happy moment trying to push back the thoughts that soon we’d be away from home again and it would be for even longer.

As I thought about us leaving our home again, and this time for 5 weeks instead of 2, I remembered a conversation I had with my mom. After getting out of the hospital and hearing about all of Carter’s adventures while I was away, my mom reminded me that Carter would not remember any of it. That made me sad, but also brought me much comfort. She is totally right. There is so much he won’t remember from this experience and for some odd reason that gave me comfort. It’s sad that he won’t remember the time I had energy and would wake him up in the mornings just to play until we both dropped from exhaustion. He won’t remember the fun days we had swimming together, and cuddling after a day full of doing new things. He won’t remember the days I’d get him up and not have enough energy to play with him. He won’t remember how frustrated he would get because mom wouldn't get up to play and would lay on the couch all morning. He won’t remember how his mom was not there for him for 4 days and how scary it was to see her again. He won’t remember when we both cried because I didn't have the energy or strength to pick him up and hold him. He won’t remember the happy or the sad things.

A year ago we moved to Spring Creek Nevada, and although Carter won’t remember the things that have happened in his first year of life… I will. I will remember and that helps me to heal. I will remember the hard days and make the good days even better. Even though I will completely heal from this experience, I will have the memories to make the good things even better! What a wonderful blessing that is, especially to remember that even though times were hard God always remembered us! Even now we have so many blessings to be thankful for.

Last weekend we headed back to Utah for some more appointments to get everything set to start radiation. Carter had the time of his life playing with my cousins while I endured a 3 hour long MRI, a CT scan, and the making of a mask and tattoos for the radiation treatments. I will being my radiation treatments on the 30^th. It will be 5 straight weeks everyday Monday through Friday, until at last these tumors of mine will be gone and life may turn back to normal a little bit. I have already learned so much through this experience. Although it will be scary, and some not so nice things (like losing my hair) will come to pass, I am so thankful for this experience and the love that I have felt from so many people and my Heavenly Father. Please know that He is listening and answering your prayers! We have so many things to be thankful for!

Right after surgery... don't I look beautiful?!

My silly little boy, happy to be home :)

Carter having fun with my cousins :)

Me today... can you tell I had surgery?

More silly pictures with Carter... and a photo bomber!

You Should Have Seen the Other Guy

A week ago, I walked into the hospital knowing that my life had changed forever and I would be starting a long journey back to feeling normal again (whatever that means). Considering the circumstances, I felt so calm. I knew deep down that God was in everything that was happening to me, even leading up to the moment when my life would be entirely in the hands of my doctors. Even when I had to let go of Jason's hand, squeezing so tightly to know he was still with me, I felt completely calm. I had felt of all the prayers said in my behalf and felt angels round about me. What an incredible thing to know that everything would be completely fine. Now I say completely fine ,but not completely easy.

Waking up from having surgery is such an interesting sensastion. The last thing I remember is thinking how cold the operating room was, and that this was it. The beginning to my whirlwind of being diagnosed with tumors in my brain. Suddenly I was in a different room violently throwing up and saying hi to Jason and my parents. I felt so embarrassed until I felt the stab of my giant headache and remembered what I had just been through. Everyone's response was all but loving as they explained to me I had just been in a bar fight, and should have seen the other guy. I wished I could have seen him to help me feel a little better.

I was  told the surgery went very well and that they got a nice chunk of the tumor for a biopsy. Lucky for me, they wouldn't have to go in a second time. I must say, I wouldn't wish for brain surgery on my most favorite enemy. I was in the ICU for 2 days, constantly being pumped with drugs, IV fluids, taken to get CT scans, and monitored very closely. Rest wasn't something I really had not had until they moved me to the Nero floor. I didn't even feel human after that, as they poked and used me as a human pin cushion. Finally when I knew I was probably much worse than the other guy, they said I could go home! What a wonderful gift too, as it was our 4 year anniversary and my sweetheart would not have to endure as much pain with me.

The most amazing person I could have EVER decided to spend my forever with!

I have been doing so well since being out of the hospital! It has been such a joy to see my sweet little Carter again and love on him. He hardly knew I was gone, because he has had so much fun with grandma! Having a mother is such a wonderful blessing. They know just how to take care of you even when you're grown.

I have been so touched by all of the wonderful friends and family that have reached out to us so much. I have been brought to tears to see the selflessness that has been shown to us. We want you to know that everything has been so appreciated. I know God is in all things, even when they seem so devastating. It helps us learn that God is good and that he never leaves our side. If he for some reason seems to get distracted, he sends his angels in his place.

As I said earlier, this has been hard, but it's only the beginning. We will be heading home in a few days to give us sometime before we head back to the Salt Lake valley for more support and help that we've received from wonderful doctors. We will be returning for radiation treatments to fight the tumors and continue to grow spiritually strong.  I know that we are not the only ones going through hard times, and I want to repeat words from a friend that brought me great strength in the hospital. God is good, and God is in it. Everything happens to help us reach our greatest potential. Happy reading!

Carter has LOVED being outside with grandma!

Bad picture, but he always has a smile on his face with grandma

This was taken before surgery, but being able to be around my sweet little niece has been reviving.

Is this really happening?

Cancer [kan-ser] noun:  A six letter word I never thought I would use to describe myself.

Sorry to my 3 readers (other than my family) out there, for being a slacker on blogging. Our little family has been on quite the adventure, and really it has only been the beginning.

In December a couple of cute little four year olds in my primary class vomited at church. I felt like being their teacher I needed to help out. I never thought from cleaning up and getting the flu from touching a little bit of vomit, that I would be where I am today…

After the flu I started having crazy symptoms as if I never really got over it. I was so thirsty all the time, I would sit down and instantly fall asleep (not a good thing with a little one crawling around), losing so much weight I thought I’d disappear. I never had an appetite and eating actually made me feel so nauseous. I thought it was a smart thing to see my doctor, but after some blood work and he telling me that whatever was happening was basically in my head, I was angry and confused. I wasn't sure if I was making it up. Finally Jason had had enough of seeing me so sick and disintegrating in front of his eyes, he wanted me to see a specialist. Following a few other people’s reaction to the way I looked, I decided it wasn’t in my head and Jason was right. I needed to see a specialist!

I cried when I tried on size 0 jeans. losing 25lbs for no reason, stinks!

Well, more tests, lots of IVs and being poked, and an MRI later, my doctor apologized for not being able to help me any longer. My condition was not the simple pituitary tumor that happens to some women after having a baby. I was referred to an oncologist, and later a neurologist. Sitting with Jason holding my hand and hearing that I not only had one tumor, but two was something so surreal I didn't know how to react. Finding out they would also need a biopsy of one of the tumors through brain surgery was also something I never thought I would hear in my life. Yet it’s all real, and it’s literally in my head. 2 rapidly growing tumors that will completely change my life forever.

I will be having brain surgery on June 2, 2014 where they will literally crack open my skull. From a biopsy of the tumor tissue, they will then determine what my treatment needs to be. You would think I should be terrified, but surprisingly I’m only a little scared. I know that for some reason all this has happened to our little family. I know that everything is going to be ok, because I need to go through this to either learn something, or to give someone else strength and comfort. That might sound crazy to some people, but I know that God is my loving Heavenly Father! He does not do things to us because we are bad, or because we deserve to have awful things happen to us. He gives us trials like these so we may rise up and reach our fullest potential. He only has what’s best for me in mind. So much has come together for me to have this happen so quickly, and it is obviously heavenly intervention. I am so thankful for all the prayers that have been said in my behalf, and want you to know that they have been and will be answered.

The only thing that does terrify me, I won’t be able to be a mother to my sweet little Carter for a long time. His earliest memories of me might be being sick all the time from Chemo or Radiation (whatever the treatment is that needs to happen). I love this little boy with all of my heart, and it’s hard to think that someone else will have to take care of him for a while.

In the midst of all these trials, we have had had fun creating so many memories. Here are a couple of happy pictures to look at before I say adios. Once I have recovered (about 2 weeks) from this surgery, I will keep you updated on my story. May the odds be ever in my favor! J Happy reading!

We went to Twin to try out Carter's new floaty

We loved swimming together!

Carter wasn't too fond of pictures

He thought we were crazy for taking so many 

These boys are my world! I love them :)

Carter and Daddy made me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day!

His cute new outfit. We were hanging out after moving the couches around in the living room.

This little boy is my everything! I hope he remembers me being his mom.

He loves to try on mommy's bra, and daddy's tie :)

A beautiful mom and her baby. We got to visit Siehara after she had Carmen!

I am so in love with my little niece already!

Carter and I being silly with my phone

He doesn't look like a baby anymore... he's my sweet little boy

We went to a splash pad one day... he hated the cold water, but loved to sit in the grass :)

1 year of life, and it's been pretty great!

“Little boys should never go to bed. They always wake up 1 day older.”—anonymous

Happy Birthday to mommy and Carter!

I put my little boy to bed, and he woke up 1 year older. This past week has been a bitter sweet kind of time for our little family. Monday marked the day I turned a quarter of a century! That was a big shocker to me, seeing as I still feel like I’m 16. It was wonderful however, because we actually had visitors who came to the middle of nowhere! My sweet sister and mother both showed up to celebrate my special day. It was wonderful to have them here and show up on my birthday, it made the day that much more special!

Once they arrived, we gave hugs, they got a tour, Jason shortly arrived home from work, and we got the party started! Homemade pizza (with delicious homemade bread), a Cold Stone cake, and a cute little helper to help me open my presents. We had so much fun!

Thanks for spoiling me!

My sweet little helper!

Happy Birthday to me!

Tuesday was the day we wore ourselves out walking. It was beautiful outside, so after a scrumptious breakfast, we decided a walk was muchly needed! An hour and a half later we arrived back at my house exhausted but with smiles on our faces. My poor little monkey was so exhausted, he fell asleep for most of the 3.7 mile walk. Needless to say, we took it easy the rest of the day and worked on decorations for another birthday party, and an exciting baby shower.

Wednesday we decided we couldn't get enough of the walking around, so off we drove to The California Trail Interpretative Center in Hunter Nevada (even more in the middle of nowhere!). We were able to learn lots about the pioneers that went through this area. There was tons to look at, and we even got to dress Carter up in some pioneer clothes. He was a good sport to let us take some pictures.

Carter at the California Trail Museum

He is the most adorable pioneer EVER!!

Our little group in front of a wagon.

After that little adventure, we decided we’d eat the lunch we packed at the park! Who knew eating in the car would be so fun! The wind and picked up and all the picnic tables had been taken. I was happy to just be warm while I ate J

Of course after lunch I had to show my mom and sister how exciting the Elko Walmart was. They had to experience the unique awesomeness that came with going to a Walmart in Nevada ha ha NOT! We did stop there for a few supplies and headed home for some R&R.

Thursday was the day my little baby woke up and suddenly was a little boy. It was his birthday and we had a little party for him. He had some of his little friends show up, and was so confused as to why we were all watching him with a weird ball thing in front of him. Once he plunged in, he decided he rather liked the delicious stuff and cried once it was broken (poor kid). We spoiled him rotten though, and bought him his very own first car. All of the kids loved the big fun gift Carter was given (don’t worry, no fancy power wheels kind of thing, just a super awesome cozy coupe). Every moment was bitter sweet for me, because I wanted my little boy to still be my little baby (he still is and will always be).

Birthday boy in his new CAR!

Blowing out the candle

Birthday BOY!

It took him a while to dig in

Once he started eating it....

he LOVED it!

so much so, when he smashed it he cried :(

He had so much fun at his ball party!

After his awesome birthday party, we went for yet another walk around the Marina in town (yes in Nevada we call nasty ponds with no boats in a park Marina’s in this part of the state). We enjoyed our walk around the small puddle and loved looking at the beautiful scenery. Carter entertained us all when he started making a popping sound with his finger and laughing at himself. What a joy he is to have!

We took lots of pictures

Silly little boy <3

The background looks pretty amazing!

It was so fun having them with us!

Friday was spent saying goodbyes to meet up later in Utah at my sister’s house. We all had different destinations we needed to go first. For us, it was a doctor’s office in Salt Lake. I felt really bad when I walked out to the waiting room to a little man walking all over the place and his daddy trying to keep him entertained. I felt even worse when I told them, we can almost leave… I just have to get a ton of blood taken. Carter was actually relieved to be in his car seat once everything was finally taken care of. He was a tiered little boy. I guess driving your dad crazy is a lot of work.

   

That night my sister and mom offered to let us go on a date while they watched sweet little Carter. We all laughed to think that we traveled all this way to be together and that night it would be my mom, sister and Carter all by themselves. It was my brother-in-law’s and sister’s anniversary, (HAPPY 5 years) and they went on a date too!!!

Saturday was the anticipated baby shower for my sister who is having the first girl in our family!!! I had worked so hard to get everything put together, and with a few bumps along the way, it actually turned out quite nice. Let’s just say I’m glad I didn't plan for the number of RSVPs that I received J It was more than 5 times that amount lol.

My beautiful sister, she was sure spoiled :)

Sunday we all said our goodbyes, as my mom and little sis headed home to Washington State, and our little family headed to Fruit Heights for a mission homecoming. A senior couple that has kept in touch with Jason since his mission, returned from their 5 mission serving together. Their talk was wonderful and we were left with visions of hopefully following their example someday.

Now that we are home, things have slowed down quite a bit. We’re back to the daily grind. I have just been waiting on the results from the doctor and trying to keep myself busy. I’m getting excited for Carter’s first Easter of actually being able to move and enjoy the festivities. Hopefully I will be on the mend soon, and will get back to blogging… Until then, Happy Reading!

In between all of the exciting stuff, Carter got to see his cousin!!!

And loved tickling him :)